Good Things to Come

No matter what your religious beliefs are, this video has a good message about trusting God.



For some reason I can't get the video to fit exactly here on the blog, so if you want, you can also click here to view it:
Good Things to Come

Don't give up. Don't quit. No matter what, keep your faith strong in what you believe in.

Realization

Sven and I were lying on our bed the other night and he actually was snuggling me while he was falling asleep. (The reason that's odd is because Sven doesn't like to be touched while he's sleeping.)  He was spooned up against my back and had his arm around my waist. Things have been really rough between me and Sven for a long time, and this was, well, a delightful suprise to me. I was thrilled at how good things felt between us. He was sleeping and I didn't want to move. It just felt so good to have him hold me like that and I felt safe. I felt peaceful. I felt whole, for the first time in a very, very long time.  

As I was drifting off to sleep, I remember thinking, "Wow, we did it. We're finally doing better. It's almost like I can't tell where his feet are and where my feet are...we feel like we just belong this way....." and I was jolted awake by him involuntarily poking me in the ribs with his fingers.... HARD. I was so startled awake that I said, "What!? What?" loudly enough that it woke him. He sleepily mumbled sorry and went right back to sleep. How bizarre, I thought, and I settled back into my sleepy, wonderful moment, peacefully enjoying how good it felt to have my husband hold me....until he started jerking his arm across my body...again, kind of hard. "SVEN, WHAT!?" I asked him.

He made some incoherent noises and grunted a little and went back to sleep. (The truth is, I don't know that he ever really was fully awake, lol).  It happened one more time shortly after that, where he was again pushing down hard on my ribs with his fingers repeatedly.

I lay there for a while wondering why he was doing this. I slowly pulled away from him a little and he stopped doing it. He kept his arm around me, but that didn't happen again, and we actually fell asleep that way, which I truly believe is a first for us. (Yes, I know, some people will think that's crazy). 

As I reflected on those events, the parallel that came into my mind the following morning was very clear. As I took the time to think about it, I settled on this and it just made so much sense to me.

It boils down to this: No matter how hard he tries not to, Sven will always "poke me in the ribs". It's just who he is.  It's part of the Borderline Personality Disorder that I believe he has. He wants intimacy. He wants to be close to me, but he's so afraid of that deep intimacy that he will create distractions or drama to poke me in the ribs and keep a bit of distance. It is very likely that I will never experience the deep, emotional bonding or connection that I crave in my marriage. The trick for me is still enjoying the bliss that I get with him when he's not poking me. It's difficult. It's hard to not be angry when things are going so well and he seems to create some needless drama or fight because he feels the need to protect himself.  Perhaps God was trying to help me understand Sven better. Perhaps I needed to have this experience so that I can later reflect on it and not get so upset, but rather remind myself that he's involuntarily poking me in the ribs in his sleep. It's like auto-pilot. He doesn't even realize he's doing it.

I love Sven. I really do. Realizing that I may never have the depth of intimacy that I desire is difficult for me, and I think I need to mourn or grieve over some of the things that Sven may never be able to give me. It doesn't make Sven a bad person. It just means I need to find a way to accept that I am asking for something he cannot provide and perhaps let go of that desire. I just have to pull away from him a little now and then so that he'll stop poking me.

The point is, Sven loves me. He really, really does. He just has a very hard time showing it sometimes. And I am learning that that is ok. I am number one in his heart, and that makes me a very lucky person. :)

Miracles DO Happen

About 2 months ago, I found myself kneeling on the bathroom floor. (Hey, it's got a lock and I was able to be left alone, which I desperately needed).  I poured my heart out to God and told him that I just can't take this anymore. I can't. I pleaded with him to give me *something* that would encourage me to go on with this marriage and to give me some strength to deal with Sven's illness. I honestly thought that maybe a friend of mine would call to chat or I'd find a scripture that would give me strength or some little kindness from someone would help me through the day.

Instead.....

Sven came home extremely depressed. Not so much angry. More....withdrawn. Sullen. Gloomy. Sulked into the bedroom and crawled into bed at 5:30 PM. Wouldn't talk to me, despite some of my best efforts. Finally he told me that he'd gone to the doctor that afternoon because his depression was so overwhelming that he was having suicidal thoughts again. So.....they gave him a prescription and he filled it. Voluntarily. My shock still hasn't quite worn off, and it's been 2 months.

Yes, Sven is taking anti-depressants. He CHOSE to do this. The medication has been switched once, but again, HE made the appointment to discuss the side effects. Not me. I didn't make him do this.

I cannot believe the difference I see in him. He's still got some very rough days, but they're not as dark and the good days seem to be outnumbering the bad, which has never happened in all my years of being married to Sven.

Miracles do happen. They really do. Maybe the Lord's timing is just different than mine and I needed (oh wait... still really, really need, lol) to work on patience. Hmm.. maybe that's it. ;)

PS...Don't get your hopes up for me too much. This is a roller coaster ride, after all. It won't stay like this forever, but I'm going to enjoy what I can for now. :)

Adversity and Liberty Jail

I promise... this really does deal with depression and trials....just bear with me.

About a year ago I was sitting in Relief Society listening to a lesson about the Prophet Joseph Smith and his arrest and detainment in Liberty Jail in 1838-1839.  (Relief Society is the women's gospel class taught in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints).   Because you may not be familiar with the story of Liberty Jail, I will give a brief summary.

The lesson that day was titled "God Shall Be With You Forever and Ever": The Prophet in Liberty Jail.

Liberty Jail was probably the worst prison that Joseph Smith ever was confined to. The material in the lesson was a good summary of the conditions in which he lived. 

As a life-long member of my church, I am familiar with the conditions of Liberty Jail, and I am very familiar with this story. Most of the women who attend my Relief Society are also very familiar with this. I wondered how our teacher was going to make this interesting and enlightening. I knew that would be a difficult task, and I was grateful it was not I who had to teach the lesson!  She took the time to remind us of the conditions of Liberty Jail, which I will also do.

The Prophet described their situation: “We are kept under a strong guard, night and day, in a prison of double walls and doors, proscribed in our liberty of conscience. Our food is scant, uniform, and coarse; we have not the privilege of cooking for ourselves; we have been compelled to sleep on the floor with straw, and not blankets sufficient to keep us warm; and when we have a fire, we are obliged to have almost a constant smoke. The Judges have gravely told us from time to time that they knew we were innocent, and ought to be liberated, but they dare not administer the law unto us, for fear of the mob.”

The room was not tall enough to allow the men to stand upright, and Alexander McRae, one of the prisoners, said the food was “very coarse, and so filthy that we could not eat it until we were driven to it by hunger.”

Mercy Fielding Thompson, a Church member who visited the brethren in the jail, later wrote: “It would be beyond my power to describe my feelings when we were admitted into the jail by the keeper and the door was locked behind us. We could not help feeling a sense of horror on realizing that we were locked up in that dark and dismal den, fit only for criminals of the deepest dye; but there we beheld Joseph, the Prophet—the man chosen of God, in the dispensation of the fullness of time to hold the keys of His kingdom on the earth, with power to bind and to loose as God should direct—confined in a loathsome prison for no other cause or reason than that he claimed to be inspired of God to establish His church among men.”

Our teacher went on to discuss how the conditions were so awful that even the Prophet, a man who had seen God Himself and Jesus Christ in the flesh would cry out:

“O God! where art Thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth Thy hiding place? How long shall Thy hand be stayed, and Thine eye, yea Thy pure eye, behold from the eternal heavens, the wrongs of Thy people, and of Thy servants, and Thy ear be penetrated with their cries?  

“Yea, O Lord, how long shall they suffer these wrongs and unlawful oppressions, before Thine heart shall be softened towards them, and Thy bowels be moved with compassion towards them?" (Doctrine and Covenants 121:1-3)

At this point, our teacher paused and she said, "Sisters, I know that most of you are very familiar with the story of Liberty Jail and I don't want this to become a history lesson. Instead, I want you to take a minute and think about this question."  She said, "Please don't answer aloud. Just think about it."

Then she asked: "What in your life has been your own personal Liberty Jail?"

For me, this was a very poignant question. I felt tears in my eyes. I didn't even hesitate with my answer. It came to my mind immediately. Without question, my own personal Liberty Jail has been dealing with Sven's illness and depression. It's not Sven. It's the illness. I love Sven. I would also say that this illness is Sven's personal Liberty Jail as well. 

Depression SUCKS. I hate it. There are days when I truly feel imprisoned by it. I know that Sven does, too. In fact, I am certain it is so much worse for him than it is for me. I feel so helpless. I wish I could break him out of prison, you know? There have been long drawn-out prayers with gasping sobs, pleading for God to free him from this trial, pleading for God to tell me how to help him.  There have been moments of deep despair in my life when I have simply told God that I can't do it anymore. I have no more strength to go on. I truly don't see where in my body & soul I am going to find one more ounce of courage to face this.

But I took immense strength from this lesson.  God teaches us a great lesson about adversity through His answers to Joseph Smith:

“… My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; and then if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.” [Doctrine & Covenants 121:7–8.]

Peace.

Peace be unto thy soul.  Thine afflictions shall be but a small moment. I reflect often on those words. Peace be unto thy soul. I have felt that peace, but sometimes I forget. I forget because I get into the middle of an argument with Sven or he refuses help or to talk to me or to get out of bed. I forget the peace. I forget to have faith. I struggle in these times  - immensely. But then God sends me an answer that I wasn't expecting, an answer like I got in Relief Society on a Sunday in a simple lesson about Liberty Jail in 1838. It was a lesson that I didn't think would be all that interesting. To be honest, I didn't think I would come away learning much that I hadn't heard before.  I wasn't very humble, was I?

So now I ask you. You don't have to answer, just think about it. (Though you can comment anonymously if you want to. It really does help me to hear I'm not alone). What in your life has brought you to your knees, begging for help, wondering why you have this trial? Why is God allowing this to happen? What has made you cry out 'How long, O Lord?'

God is there. He is listening. He will help you. I know that to be true. Sometimes it seems as though He has forgotten you. Sometimes you don't feel peace. Sometimes you do. My faith has always tried to be that I know He is there, even if it feels like He's not. I'm still going to talk to Him. I'm still going to cry and tell Him what's going on with me. I'm still going to ask for His help, even when it feels like I don't deserve it or like I'm not getting a response.

I figure that way, I've got my bases covered, right? ;)

(To see pictures of Liberty Jail, click here.  They are copyrighted).