Little Things You Can Do For Yourself

A while ago, I spent some time in counseling myself, learning to cope with Sven & his erratic behavior and with some of my own issues from my childhood/teenager-hood. (is that a word? lol Probably not)  During counseling, the therapist recommended that I make a list of things I could do for myself. These were to be things that were simply ways I honored myself or pampered myself or took a minute out of my day to do something that was completely, utterly for me.

I was asked to make a list of 20 things. At the time, that was completely overwhelming to me. I was experiencing a bit of my own depression and I was finally dealing with something traumatic that happened to me as a teenager. The therapist even told me, "It can be something as simple as putting lotion on your hands every night."

Still, I felt that coming up with twenty items was asking too much. Twenty? Wow, that just sounded so incredibly selfish. I am the person who put everyone else in front of her for years and years. I was taught that it was selfish to do things for myself, but that you should always be serving others or putting others before yourself. That was, after all, what a selfless, thoughtful, wonderful wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend would do. Right??

It probably took me 4 weeks to come up with 20 items to put on my list, and that was something I was only able to do after I consulted friends and asked for their input. Looking back, I see how simple the exercise really was, but how frozen I was by it.  I remember specifically that one thing I came up with was that I could take time to really care for my skin and wash my face/remove my make-up each night. I splurged on a good moisturizer for my eyes and face. I took about 5 minutes each night to really pamper my skin. Every night as I did that, I told myself that this was simply for me. It had nothing to do with caring for Sven or caring for my children or friends. It was caring about me.

One other thing I started to do was that I would occasionally stop by the cemetery and visit the grave of my grandfather. I sit, all by myself, and think. The cemetery is piercingly quiet, generally speaking. There is a deep reverence there. I never spend long there, but I always come away with more clarity. (My grandfather makes an amazing listener. He never tells me what to do. Tee hee)

The so-called "parable of the oxygen mask" is probably something you've all heard, but I think it bears repeating:

"As I’ve flown, I’ve noted as we commence to take off from the airport, a flight attendant will arise and among other things will say, 'Now, if we lose air pressure in the cabin, an oxygen mask will descend from overhead. If you’re caring for young children or someone with a disability, make sure you put on your own oxygen mask before you try to help others.' Why would the flight attendant say that? Obviously, if you’re unconscious, you can’t help anyone else. So it is with our service to humankind and our service in the Church and in our professions. If we don’t strengthen ourselves, we will never be in a position to strengthen others."   ---Robert F. Orton, “Living a Balanced Life,” Ensign, Feb 2008, 64–68

 Take time for you. Fill your own bucket, because you can't help someone else if you have nothing to give.  If you are in a situation similar to mine, perhaps feeling frozen and unable to move forward, here's my list. Most of them are really simple and inexpensive (or free).   This list was compiled by the input of many friends, and I am including all the ideas, simple as they may be.

• Exercise - run, yoga, pilates, cycling, walking, take a class, swim, etc.

• Run/train for a race.
• Take time to shave your legs & underarms (or face if you're a man)
• Organize a group of friends for a game of basketball, softball, soccer, football, racquetball, etc.

• Spend time in the sauna, steam room, or hot tub at the gym or pool

• Go on a walk with a good friend and talk about anything and everything. The walking will be beneficial to your mood and health as well as the chatter and friendship.
• Get a pedicure or manicure. Do it yourself or trade with a friend if you can't afford a professional service. Simply paint your toenails a fun color if that's all you can do.

• Get a great haircut and/or color. It doesn't have to break the bank.
• Keep a gratitude journal
• Work in your yard or garden or cultivate house plants or herbs.

• Read. Join a Book Club if that inspires you and you enjoy the discussion
• Do something creative that fills your spirit, such as sewing, crochet, pottery, wood working, scuplting, drawing, composing music or poetry, creative writing, blogging, soap making, jewelry making,  photography, photo editing, floral design, quilting, knitting, scrapbooking, painting, and many more

• Cut some flowers from your yard or purchase an inexpensive bunch at the grocery store or local market and put them in a pretty vase on the table

• Take a bath instead of a shower (if that relaxes you more. Personally, I prefer a long, hot shower. Although, seriously... if I had this bathroom?? I'd be all for taking a long bath. This looks incredible!)

• Take up a new hobby
• Play a musical instrument or sing

• Write in a journal
• Keep a notebook filled with inspiring quotes
• Buy yourself a treat at the grocery store and eat it all by yourself on the way home. (Or stash some in a hidden location. My mother-in-law hides them inside tupperware containers in various places in her pantry)

• Color in a coloring book

• Draw
• Get a massage or facial. You can check the local beauty school for discounted offers

• Spend time sitting in the park or on a nature walk
• Sit in a hammock or lie on a towel in your backyard or deck
• Read scriptural text, whatever that is for you

• Sing in a choir at your church or community
• Spend time researching your family history and doing genealogy
• Do a puzzle, play a game, play solitaire on the computer, etc.

• Go to the movies or rent a movie, even if it's all by yourself. (Perhaps especially so)
• Listen to some really great music that inspires and uplifts you
• Remove your eye makeup and take time to cleanse your face.

• Splurge on a good moisturizer.
• Splurge on a really great eye cream moisturizer. (This is one that I did.)
• Put lotion on your legs, hands and feet each night before you go to bed
• Sing in the shower, your car, or at home.
• Go fishing
• Spend time in nature
• Take a hike or walk along a nature trail
• Visit a sanctuary, church, mosque, synagogue, temple, or other house of worship

• Place a beautiful, inspiring photograph, quotation, painting or other artwork somewhere you will see it daily.
• Meditate
• Take a different route to or from work or school. Just for you. 
• Watch a sunset or sunrise

• Get up in the night and gaze at the moon (works well if you're already up with insomnia)
• Take any medications that have been prescribed for you.
• Take a daily vitamin and calcium supplement (if approved by your doctor)
• Wear sunscreen daily
• Buy a really cute/cool-looking pair of sunglasses
• Buy yourself a fun lip gloss. Just. Because.
• Wear lip balm with sunscreen in it.
• Splurge on a fun fragrance for your home
• Wear perfume, cologne, body spray or scented deodorant that you like

• Wear a pretty piece of jewelry
• Drink water. Ideally, try for at least half of your body weight in ounces of water. (For example, if you weigh 150 lbs, you'd drink 75 oz of water per day).  Helps with weight loss and appetite control, too.

• Read a magazine
• Sleep in (even if only occasionally)
• Go to bed early. Try hard to get enough sleep.
• Visit the grave of a loved one, all by yourself. Talk to them.

• Pray
• Light some candles and enjoy the light in the evening. (Be careful and use fire safety!)

• Eat well. Don't skip breakfast or other meals. Feed your body nutritious foods and pass on the junk. (Definitely easier said than done!)
• Wash your car
• Keep your desk, dresser, office, home (etc) neat and orderly

Obviously, not all ideas are going to work for everyone, but surely there's something here that you can choose to do that is simply for the benefit of you. If you have other ideas, please leave them in the comments. I'd love to hear them.

Myths About Depression Quiz

When it comes to depression, can you separate the facts from myth? 

 Take this quiz.

Addiction & Depression

If you have a loved one who also suffers from addiction, it can contribute to their depression. Please note that I am not suggesting that all depression is the result of or caused by addiction.  I really don't believe that is the case.  But I do believe that someone who suffers from an addiction is at an increased susceptibility to depression or that it can contribute to and/or increase the severity of an already exisiting depression.

Obviously, any type of addiction can be a problem in a marriage or just in a relationship with someone you love.  Alcoholism, pornography, gambling, co-dependency, eating disorders, etc.  In A Guide to Addiction Recovery and Healing, you can find ways to recover or help support someone who is recovering. This is available free of charge in audio/MP3 format or in a PDF document from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  The PDF document is also available in Spanish, Portugese, Chinese, Danish, Dutch, Finnish, French, German, Japanese, Mongolian, Norwegian, Russian, Swedish and Ukranian. You can also find Addiction Recovery Support Groups that are available through the Church.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has also just created a new website for support for those who suffer from addiction to pornography, as well as for spouses, children, church leaders and youth.  The website is  http://www.combatingpornography.org/. 

Helping Someone Who Is Depressed

Life can be very difficult on a day-to-day basis when someone you love is depressed. People who suffer from depression can be very frustrating. In my experience, they can't seem to put their finger on what they want from you. They can't seem to pin-point what it is that might be able to help them.  So, I try. I have tried different things with Sven, and sometimes they work, but other times they don't. I often find myself at my wit's end, wondering if I am just spinning my wheels or why nothing can please him.

Because each person is a unique individual, they each exhibit their symptoms of depression differently.  They may withdraw, lash out, say things that are upsetting, cut or hurt themselves, withhold love or affection, belittle themselves or others....the list could go on and on.  Sven tends to do all of the above. I am sure that you could each tell me stories of what your loved one does, and I am interested, so I do hope you will share.

So what can you do when your loved one is depressed and you want to help?

Tips for helping someone who is depressed:

1)  Try to understand their point of view.  This is extremely difficult for me. I really haven't suffered from depression, except for a brief few months, and it was based on a horrible situation that happened.  I haven't experienced long-term depression. It's hard for me to comprehend that Sven doesn't see the beauty around him, or find joy in the things our children do.  I find it difficult to understand that he really has no energy to get out of bed and no desire to accomplish anything. I have had to pray a lot for understanding and compassion. I know that the Lord is there, and that He understands Sven's burden. I also know that He understands my burden and can help me and guide me to know what I can do to ease Sven's pain, without doing everything for him.

2) Take time for yourself. This is really important. For the first 8-10 years of my marriage, I was not good at doing this. I did not feel that I should be indulgent in something I enjoyed when he was so down all the time.

After much prayer and support from a few close friends, I began running.  I returned so refreshed and energized when I exercised, that I began to make it a high priority. Sven resisted. Oh boy, did he ever. He was very frustrated that I was leaving him with our children to take an hour or so to exercise. He told me I was selfish. He cried and said that I was "trying to run away" from my family and "abandon" him.He felt that if he wasn't depressed, I wouldn't need to "escape" from him.  It was difficult to set a boundary with him and explain to him how much I need this time for me. I'm not trying to abandon him. It's that I really enjoy taking time to do something that is just for me. 

Obviously, if you hate running, this isn't for you. But think about your hobbies and what you enjoy. What can you do (or are you currently doing) that is just for you? It will recharge your batteries and help keep your own feelings of depression at bay.

3) Become educated on depression and/or mental illness (if appropriate).  Read! Read blogs, websites, books. Listen to MP3's or podcasts. Do whatever you can to learn about the illness/depression that your loved one deals with every day.

4) Listen & just be there. Let them cry. Let them tell you how they feel. Be supportive and don't try to fix their problems. Just listen. I have found that when I suggested things, Sven would sometimes try them, but they didn't seem to work as well as if *he* came up with the solution or idea to try. Gentle suggestions are definitely ok, but see if you can get him/her to think of ways to solve his/her own problem. The best thing we can do for others is to allow them to do things for themselves.  They will gain a sense of accomplishment by doing so.

5) Don't take it personally. This is incredibly difficult for me. Do whatever you can to remind yourself that it is not your fault. Their depression is not because of you. If they are lashing out at you, just remember that it's probably because they feel safe with you and because you simply happen to be there. Most likely they are angry at themselves and frustrated with how they feel. They need to vent and release some of their bottled-up feelings and stress. Do your best to walk away in these situations. Don't engage. Under no circumstances should you put up with abuse of any kind. If your loved one is becoming abusive, please seek help.  Emotional and mental abuse can be just as devastating as other types. 

6) See a counselor or therapist or other professional.  As mentioned under #5, abuse can take a toll on you. If your loved one is emotionally and mentally abusive to you, seek counseling for you. If you can get him/her to go also, that's great.  Sven won't go to counseling. He did for a while. We tried marriage counseling, but he eventually became so angry with the process that he refused to go back. I continued to go, however. The counselor gave me suggestions and tools that I can use to help Sven, but also to help me to feel strong and confident in my own abilities.

If you are LDS, start with your bishop. Talk to him and ask him to refer you to someone at LDS Family Services, if he feels that is right for you. If you can't afford counseling, talk to your bishop about that. Many bishops are willing to help with the cost in these situations.

7) It's ok to feel angry, mad, depressed, hurt, frustrated, annoyed, etc........ Allow yourself to feel whatever it is you are feeling. It's ok. Find a trusted friend that you can go to for support or come here and vent your story. Drop your burden. That's the point of this site. Vent. Email me and vent it out. I am anonymous to you. I won't judge you. I have felt all of those feelings, and probably many others that you also feel. Get it out. Send it "out" of your house, and drop your burden. I'll respond, I promise.

8) Medications. If a medical professional feels medications are indicated for your loved one, then encourage them to take their dosage. Pick up their prescription for them. Set up automatic refills. Don't let them run out. Help them by setting up their daily pills in a weekly pill box, if they are overwhelmed by keeping track of it all.

9) Offer hope.  Offer hope in any way you can. Point out the things you see that are good or positive. Encourage their love for a certain hobby, their enjoyment in spending time with their children, their love of God -- whatever it is that is specific to them. You want to encourage anything that makes them want to go on living. If you feel that thoughts of suicide are prevalent or they begin to talk about having no reason to live or having suicidal thoughts or plans, please seek help immediately.

11) Pray.  We cannot understand the depth of their pain and sadness, but we can do our best to help and show love and compassion. Ask God for help. Ask Him to expand the love and patience in your heart so that you can bear this burden.  He will help you. I just know it.

10) Try to separate the illness from the person. Remind yourself as often as possible that they are ill. They are suffering from a true illness, and need your love and support. Do whatever you can to show you love them and want them to try to get better.

Being a Caregiver

Being a caregiver can be exhausting. Whether you are caring for someone who has a physical ailment/illness or someone who has a mental illness or depression, it takes a toll on *you*. I am certain that you could all share stories of how being a caregiver has affected you. I am very interested in them & hope you will comment.

What do you do to combat your own depression?

How has living with a loved one who suffers from depression and/or mental illness affected your life?

Thanks!!

Unemployment and Sven

In 1999, Sven lost his job. He was working in a Y2K position at the time, and the company downsized several positions.  This loss affected him deeply. He went into a deep depression. There were many days where he didn't shower or get dressed. He would spend hours on end watching television or playing video games. It was a very difficult time in our marriage, and we nearly divorced over it. He was unemployed for nearly 18 months.

In late 2008, Sven lost his job due to the economic downturn here in the United States.

His position simply disappeared as company cutbacks were made.  This job loss was extremely hard on Sven. He had been with this company since being hired following the Y2K position, and he felt that they were not treating him as a loyal employee who had been with them for a long time. He was angry and bitter and withdrew from me.

He applied over and over for jobs within the same company. He did apply with other companies, but he seemed to be fixated on getting re-hired with his previous employer. During this time, he withdrew from me and went into a deeper depression, much like the one I recall from 1999. Marital problems grew exponentially during this time.  His addiction to pornography became a huge problem in our marriage and we are still suffering the affects of some of the things that happened during this period.

Unemployment was scary place to be, because I was scared for us financially, but I couldn't rely on my husband to calm my fears and help me through this. I had to rely on the Lord. Scriptures and time at the temple became critical for me and for my emotional well-being. I began running during this time, and I found that it was a huge help to me to spend time alone and to be getting some exercise to physically release some of my stress.

He was out of work for 8 months, and was eventually re-hired with the same company.  However, he took a severe paycut of about 30% less than he was previously making.  But, we had insurance now and no longer had to make COBRA payments, which had been extremely difficult for us to do. 

I am grateful that Sven was able to find employment. I find myself thinking that I am ungrateful because there are still others who are out of work. I find myself thinking that I need to count my blessings. I also find myself thinking that this is incredibly difficult and wondering why God would give me this trial. Clearly, I don't understand His ways, but I am certain that I am supposed to learn something by living through this.

To read more of Sven's Story, click here.

Depression Overview Slideshow

This link is from WebMD. It is an interesting slide show showing brain scans and explaining the symptoms of depression. It was complied by the Mayo Clinic.


To view the slide show, click Depression Overview Slideshow.

Welcome!

Welcome! I created this site because I have often wished there was a place where I could connect with others regarding the struggles, trials and triumphs that accompany being a caregiver for someone who suffers from depression or mental illness.

This site is going to have as much anonymity as possible. For that reason, I have changed the names of all those in my family/friends. You may comment under your real name, a fake name, or you may comment anonymously. I just hope that you will comment and share your thoughts, because it will benefit me as well.

I hope that this will be a place where you will find support, love, and strength as you continue your daily efforts of support for your loved one. I hope it will lift your spirit and give you energy & comfort.  I do not profess to be an expert on depression, and I hope to gain better understanding from all of you as you also share your experiences with me. Because my religion is a huge part of my life and is extremely important to me, you will find that much of what you read here is Christian based, though I do hope you will feel welcome to follow the site even if you do not share my beliefs.

Please feel free to email me regarding topics you are interested in. If you would like to be a contributor to this blog, I would be thrilled to have you join. Please send me an email to ivanacookieplease [at] yahoo [dot] com. (The address is written that way to reduce spam).

I hope you will find this blog to be a place where you can "Drop Your Burden", at least for a little while, as you gain support in knowing that you are not alone and others understand what you are going through.