Miracles DO Happen

About 2 months ago, I found myself kneeling on the bathroom floor. (Hey, it's got a lock and I was able to be left alone, which I desperately needed).  I poured my heart out to God and told him that I just can't take this anymore. I can't. I pleaded with him to give me *something* that would encourage me to go on with this marriage and to give me some strength to deal with Sven's illness. I honestly thought that maybe a friend of mine would call to chat or I'd find a scripture that would give me strength or some little kindness from someone would help me through the day.

Instead.....

Sven came home extremely depressed. Not so much angry. More....withdrawn. Sullen. Gloomy. Sulked into the bedroom and crawled into bed at 5:30 PM. Wouldn't talk to me, despite some of my best efforts. Finally he told me that he'd gone to the doctor that afternoon because his depression was so overwhelming that he was having suicidal thoughts again. So.....they gave him a prescription and he filled it. Voluntarily. My shock still hasn't quite worn off, and it's been 2 months.

Yes, Sven is taking anti-depressants. He CHOSE to do this. The medication has been switched once, but again, HE made the appointment to discuss the side effects. Not me. I didn't make him do this.

I cannot believe the difference I see in him. He's still got some very rough days, but they're not as dark and the good days seem to be outnumbering the bad, which has never happened in all my years of being married to Sven.

Miracles do happen. They really do. Maybe the Lord's timing is just different than mine and I needed (oh wait... still really, really need, lol) to work on patience. Hmm.. maybe that's it. ;)

PS...Don't get your hopes up for me too much. This is a roller coaster ride, after all. It won't stay like this forever, but I'm going to enjoy what I can for now. :)

About Ivana

I am married to a man I'll call Sven. You can read more about Sven's Story here. Sven has suffered from fairly deep depression for as long as I have known him and as long as he can remember. He has threatened suicide several times, but never followed through on any of his plans. He is in denial about the severity of his depression and refuses counseling/therapy as well as medication. It's a tough road.

We have 4 children whom I will refer to as: Hans, Annelise, Greta, and Lisbeth.

We are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I believe that depression and mental illness are real, just as heart disease, high blood pressure, thyroid disease and other physical ailments are. Through this blog, I hope to increase my understanding of depression and find ways to cope and heal and find support through establishing connections with others who can shed insight from their own experiences.

A few of my interests include gardening, music, and running. I serve in several positions in my LDS ward that I find challenging and time consuming, but they are a great outlet for me and I enjoy them all. (A ward is much like a parish, for those of you who are not LDS).

Unemployment and Sven

In 1999, Sven lost his job. He was working in a Y2K position at the time, and the company downsized several positions.  This loss affected him deeply. He went into a deep depression. There were many days where he didn't shower or get dressed. He would spend hours on end watching television or playing video games. It was a very difficult time in our marriage, and we nearly divorced over it. He was unemployed for nearly 18 months.

In late 2008, Sven lost his job due to the economic downturn here in the United States.

His position simply disappeared as company cutbacks were made.  This job loss was extremely hard on Sven. He had been with this company since being hired following the Y2K position, and he felt that they were not treating him as a loyal employee who had been with them for a long time. He was angry and bitter and withdrew from me.

He applied over and over for jobs within the same company. He did apply with other companies, but he seemed to be fixated on getting re-hired with his previous employer. During this time, he withdrew from me and went into a deeper depression, much like the one I recall from 1999. Marital problems grew exponentially during this time.  His addiction to pornography became a huge problem in our marriage and we are still suffering the affects of some of the things that happened during this period.

Unemployment was scary place to be, because I was scared for us financially, but I couldn't rely on my husband to calm my fears and help me through this. I had to rely on the Lord. Scriptures and time at the temple became critical for me and for my emotional well-being. I began running during this time, and I found that it was a huge help to me to spend time alone and to be getting some exercise to physically release some of my stress.

He was out of work for 8 months, and was eventually re-hired with the same company.  However, he took a severe paycut of about 30% less than he was previously making.  But, we had insurance now and no longer had to make COBRA payments, which had been extremely difficult for us to do. 

I am grateful that Sven was able to find employment. I find myself thinking that I am ungrateful because there are still others who are out of work. I find myself thinking that I need to count my blessings. I also find myself thinking that this is incredibly difficult and wondering why God would give me this trial. Clearly, I don't understand His ways, but I am certain that I am supposed to learn something by living through this.

To read more of Sven's Story, click here.