Little Things You Can Do For Yourself

A while ago, I spent some time in counseling myself, learning to cope with Sven & his erratic behavior and with some of my own issues from my childhood/teenager-hood. (is that a word? lol Probably not)  During counseling, the therapist recommended that I make a list of things I could do for myself. These were to be things that were simply ways I honored myself or pampered myself or took a minute out of my day to do something that was completely, utterly for me.

I was asked to make a list of 20 things. At the time, that was completely overwhelming to me. I was experiencing a bit of my own depression and I was finally dealing with something traumatic that happened to me as a teenager. The therapist even told me, "It can be something as simple as putting lotion on your hands every night."

Still, I felt that coming up with twenty items was asking too much. Twenty? Wow, that just sounded so incredibly selfish. I am the person who put everyone else in front of her for years and years. I was taught that it was selfish to do things for myself, but that you should always be serving others or putting others before yourself. That was, after all, what a selfless, thoughtful, wonderful wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend would do. Right??

It probably took me 4 weeks to come up with 20 items to put on my list, and that was something I was only able to do after I consulted friends and asked for their input. Looking back, I see how simple the exercise really was, but how frozen I was by it.  I remember specifically that one thing I came up with was that I could take time to really care for my skin and wash my face/remove my make-up each night. I splurged on a good moisturizer for my eyes and face. I took about 5 minutes each night to really pamper my skin. Every night as I did that, I told myself that this was simply for me. It had nothing to do with caring for Sven or caring for my children or friends. It was caring about me.

One other thing I started to do was that I would occasionally stop by the cemetery and visit the grave of my grandfather. I sit, all by myself, and think. The cemetery is piercingly quiet, generally speaking. There is a deep reverence there. I never spend long there, but I always come away with more clarity. (My grandfather makes an amazing listener. He never tells me what to do. Tee hee)

The so-called "parable of the oxygen mask" is probably something you've all heard, but I think it bears repeating:

"As I’ve flown, I’ve noted as we commence to take off from the airport, a flight attendant will arise and among other things will say, 'Now, if we lose air pressure in the cabin, an oxygen mask will descend from overhead. If you’re caring for young children or someone with a disability, make sure you put on your own oxygen mask before you try to help others.' Why would the flight attendant say that? Obviously, if you’re unconscious, you can’t help anyone else. So it is with our service to humankind and our service in the Church and in our professions. If we don’t strengthen ourselves, we will never be in a position to strengthen others."   ---Robert F. Orton, “Living a Balanced Life,” Ensign, Feb 2008, 64–68

 Take time for you. Fill your own bucket, because you can't help someone else if you have nothing to give.  If you are in a situation similar to mine, perhaps feeling frozen and unable to move forward, here's my list. Most of them are really simple and inexpensive (or free).   This list was compiled by the input of many friends, and I am including all the ideas, simple as they may be.

• Exercise - run, yoga, pilates, cycling, walking, take a class, swim, etc.

• Run/train for a race.
• Take time to shave your legs & underarms (or face if you're a man)
• Organize a group of friends for a game of basketball, softball, soccer, football, racquetball, etc.

• Spend time in the sauna, steam room, or hot tub at the gym or pool

• Go on a walk with a good friend and talk about anything and everything. The walking will be beneficial to your mood and health as well as the chatter and friendship.
• Get a pedicure or manicure. Do it yourself or trade with a friend if you can't afford a professional service. Simply paint your toenails a fun color if that's all you can do.

• Get a great haircut and/or color. It doesn't have to break the bank.
• Keep a gratitude journal
• Work in your yard or garden or cultivate house plants or herbs.

• Read. Join a Book Club if that inspires you and you enjoy the discussion
• Do something creative that fills your spirit, such as sewing, crochet, pottery, wood working, scuplting, drawing, composing music or poetry, creative writing, blogging, soap making, jewelry making,  photography, photo editing, floral design, quilting, knitting, scrapbooking, painting, and many more

• Cut some flowers from your yard or purchase an inexpensive bunch at the grocery store or local market and put them in a pretty vase on the table

• Take a bath instead of a shower (if that relaxes you more. Personally, I prefer a long, hot shower. Although, seriously... if I had this bathroom?? I'd be all for taking a long bath. This looks incredible!)

• Take up a new hobby
• Play a musical instrument or sing

• Write in a journal
• Keep a notebook filled with inspiring quotes
• Buy yourself a treat at the grocery store and eat it all by yourself on the way home. (Or stash some in a hidden location. My mother-in-law hides them inside tupperware containers in various places in her pantry)

• Color in a coloring book

• Draw
• Get a massage or facial. You can check the local beauty school for discounted offers

• Spend time sitting in the park or on a nature walk
• Sit in a hammock or lie on a towel in your backyard or deck
• Read scriptural text, whatever that is for you

• Sing in a choir at your church or community
• Spend time researching your family history and doing genealogy
• Do a puzzle, play a game, play solitaire on the computer, etc.

• Go to the movies or rent a movie, even if it's all by yourself. (Perhaps especially so)
• Listen to some really great music that inspires and uplifts you
• Remove your eye makeup and take time to cleanse your face.

• Splurge on a good moisturizer.
• Splurge on a really great eye cream moisturizer. (This is one that I did.)
• Put lotion on your legs, hands and feet each night before you go to bed
• Sing in the shower, your car, or at home.
• Go fishing
• Spend time in nature
• Take a hike or walk along a nature trail
• Visit a sanctuary, church, mosque, synagogue, temple, or other house of worship

• Place a beautiful, inspiring photograph, quotation, painting or other artwork somewhere you will see it daily.
• Meditate
• Take a different route to or from work or school. Just for you. 
• Watch a sunset or sunrise

• Get up in the night and gaze at the moon (works well if you're already up with insomnia)
• Take any medications that have been prescribed for you.
• Take a daily vitamin and calcium supplement (if approved by your doctor)
• Wear sunscreen daily
• Buy a really cute/cool-looking pair of sunglasses
• Buy yourself a fun lip gloss. Just. Because.
• Wear lip balm with sunscreen in it.
• Splurge on a fun fragrance for your home
• Wear perfume, cologne, body spray or scented deodorant that you like

• Wear a pretty piece of jewelry
• Drink water. Ideally, try for at least half of your body weight in ounces of water. (For example, if you weigh 150 lbs, you'd drink 75 oz of water per day).  Helps with weight loss and appetite control, too.

• Read a magazine
• Sleep in (even if only occasionally)
• Go to bed early. Try hard to get enough sleep.
• Visit the grave of a loved one, all by yourself. Talk to them.

• Pray
• Light some candles and enjoy the light in the evening. (Be careful and use fire safety!)

• Eat well. Don't skip breakfast or other meals. Feed your body nutritious foods and pass on the junk. (Definitely easier said than done!)
• Wash your car
• Keep your desk, dresser, office, home (etc) neat and orderly

Obviously, not all ideas are going to work for everyone, but surely there's something here that you can choose to do that is simply for the benefit of you. If you have other ideas, please leave them in the comments. I'd love to hear them.

Good Things to Come

No matter what your religious beliefs are, this video has a good message about trusting God.



For some reason I can't get the video to fit exactly here on the blog, so if you want, you can also click here to view it:
Good Things to Come

Don't give up. Don't quit. No matter what, keep your faith strong in what you believe in.

Miracles DO Happen

About 2 months ago, I found myself kneeling on the bathroom floor. (Hey, it's got a lock and I was able to be left alone, which I desperately needed).  I poured my heart out to God and told him that I just can't take this anymore. I can't. I pleaded with him to give me *something* that would encourage me to go on with this marriage and to give me some strength to deal with Sven's illness. I honestly thought that maybe a friend of mine would call to chat or I'd find a scripture that would give me strength or some little kindness from someone would help me through the day.

Instead.....

Sven came home extremely depressed. Not so much angry. More....withdrawn. Sullen. Gloomy. Sulked into the bedroom and crawled into bed at 5:30 PM. Wouldn't talk to me, despite some of my best efforts. Finally he told me that he'd gone to the doctor that afternoon because his depression was so overwhelming that he was having suicidal thoughts again. So.....they gave him a prescription and he filled it. Voluntarily. My shock still hasn't quite worn off, and it's been 2 months.

Yes, Sven is taking anti-depressants. He CHOSE to do this. The medication has been switched once, but again, HE made the appointment to discuss the side effects. Not me. I didn't make him do this.

I cannot believe the difference I see in him. He's still got some very rough days, but they're not as dark and the good days seem to be outnumbering the bad, which has never happened in all my years of being married to Sven.

Miracles do happen. They really do. Maybe the Lord's timing is just different than mine and I needed (oh wait... still really, really need, lol) to work on patience. Hmm.. maybe that's it. ;)

PS...Don't get your hopes up for me too much. This is a roller coaster ride, after all. It won't stay like this forever, but I'm going to enjoy what I can for now. :)

Adversity and Liberty Jail

I promise... this really does deal with depression and trials....just bear with me.

About a year ago I was sitting in Relief Society listening to a lesson about the Prophet Joseph Smith and his arrest and detainment in Liberty Jail in 1838-1839.  (Relief Society is the women's gospel class taught in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints).   Because you may not be familiar with the story of Liberty Jail, I will give a brief summary.

The lesson that day was titled "God Shall Be With You Forever and Ever": The Prophet in Liberty Jail.

Liberty Jail was probably the worst prison that Joseph Smith ever was confined to. The material in the lesson was a good summary of the conditions in which he lived. 

As a life-long member of my church, I am familiar with the conditions of Liberty Jail, and I am very familiar with this story. Most of the women who attend my Relief Society are also very familiar with this. I wondered how our teacher was going to make this interesting and enlightening. I knew that would be a difficult task, and I was grateful it was not I who had to teach the lesson!  She took the time to remind us of the conditions of Liberty Jail, which I will also do.

The Prophet described their situation: “We are kept under a strong guard, night and day, in a prison of double walls and doors, proscribed in our liberty of conscience. Our food is scant, uniform, and coarse; we have not the privilege of cooking for ourselves; we have been compelled to sleep on the floor with straw, and not blankets sufficient to keep us warm; and when we have a fire, we are obliged to have almost a constant smoke. The Judges have gravely told us from time to time that they knew we were innocent, and ought to be liberated, but they dare not administer the law unto us, for fear of the mob.”

The room was not tall enough to allow the men to stand upright, and Alexander McRae, one of the prisoners, said the food was “very coarse, and so filthy that we could not eat it until we were driven to it by hunger.”

Mercy Fielding Thompson, a Church member who visited the brethren in the jail, later wrote: “It would be beyond my power to describe my feelings when we were admitted into the jail by the keeper and the door was locked behind us. We could not help feeling a sense of horror on realizing that we were locked up in that dark and dismal den, fit only for criminals of the deepest dye; but there we beheld Joseph, the Prophet—the man chosen of God, in the dispensation of the fullness of time to hold the keys of His kingdom on the earth, with power to bind and to loose as God should direct—confined in a loathsome prison for no other cause or reason than that he claimed to be inspired of God to establish His church among men.”

Our teacher went on to discuss how the conditions were so awful that even the Prophet, a man who had seen God Himself and Jesus Christ in the flesh would cry out:

“O God! where art Thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth Thy hiding place? How long shall Thy hand be stayed, and Thine eye, yea Thy pure eye, behold from the eternal heavens, the wrongs of Thy people, and of Thy servants, and Thy ear be penetrated with their cries?  

“Yea, O Lord, how long shall they suffer these wrongs and unlawful oppressions, before Thine heart shall be softened towards them, and Thy bowels be moved with compassion towards them?" (Doctrine and Covenants 121:1-3)

At this point, our teacher paused and she said, "Sisters, I know that most of you are very familiar with the story of Liberty Jail and I don't want this to become a history lesson. Instead, I want you to take a minute and think about this question."  She said, "Please don't answer aloud. Just think about it."

Then she asked: "What in your life has been your own personal Liberty Jail?"

For me, this was a very poignant question. I felt tears in my eyes. I didn't even hesitate with my answer. It came to my mind immediately. Without question, my own personal Liberty Jail has been dealing with Sven's illness and depression. It's not Sven. It's the illness. I love Sven. I would also say that this illness is Sven's personal Liberty Jail as well. 

Depression SUCKS. I hate it. There are days when I truly feel imprisoned by it. I know that Sven does, too. In fact, I am certain it is so much worse for him than it is for me. I feel so helpless. I wish I could break him out of prison, you know? There have been long drawn-out prayers with gasping sobs, pleading for God to free him from this trial, pleading for God to tell me how to help him.  There have been moments of deep despair in my life when I have simply told God that I can't do it anymore. I have no more strength to go on. I truly don't see where in my body & soul I am going to find one more ounce of courage to face this.

But I took immense strength from this lesson.  God teaches us a great lesson about adversity through His answers to Joseph Smith:

“… My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; and then if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.” [Doctrine & Covenants 121:7–8.]

Peace.

Peace be unto thy soul.  Thine afflictions shall be but a small moment. I reflect often on those words. Peace be unto thy soul. I have felt that peace, but sometimes I forget. I forget because I get into the middle of an argument with Sven or he refuses help or to talk to me or to get out of bed. I forget the peace. I forget to have faith. I struggle in these times  - immensely. But then God sends me an answer that I wasn't expecting, an answer like I got in Relief Society on a Sunday in a simple lesson about Liberty Jail in 1838. It was a lesson that I didn't think would be all that interesting. To be honest, I didn't think I would come away learning much that I hadn't heard before.  I wasn't very humble, was I?

So now I ask you. You don't have to answer, just think about it. (Though you can comment anonymously if you want to. It really does help me to hear I'm not alone). What in your life has brought you to your knees, begging for help, wondering why you have this trial? Why is God allowing this to happen? What has made you cry out 'How long, O Lord?'

God is there. He is listening. He will help you. I know that to be true. Sometimes it seems as though He has forgotten you. Sometimes you don't feel peace. Sometimes you do. My faith has always tried to be that I know He is there, even if it feels like He's not. I'm still going to talk to Him. I'm still going to cry and tell Him what's going on with me. I'm still going to ask for His help, even when it feels like I don't deserve it or like I'm not getting a response.

I figure that way, I've got my bases covered, right? ;)

(To see pictures of Liberty Jail, click here.  They are copyrighted).

When My Prayers Seem Unanswered

Last week I found this talk titled: "When My Prayers Seem Unanswered".   It was really uplifting for me and put some things into perspective that I needed to reconsider.  Much of this talk focuses on the beliefs of the members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, though others may enjoy it as well.  It is not specifically about depression or caregiving, but I think that if someone feels their prayers are unanswered, they might be more susceptible to depression or feeling "blue", so that is why I am posting about this.

To save the MP3 for listening on your iPod or MP3 player:
1. Click on the blue "Download" button,  and look for "Audio" under the drop-down menu.
2. Right click on the "Audio" tab.
3. Click "Save Target As" and save it to your computer. (I have a folder on my desktop that is titled "MP3". That way I know where to find them every time.)
4. Copy the file to your MP3 player or your iPod. 

To import to iTunes:
After completing steps 1-3 above, do the following:
1. Open iTunes and click "File" in the upper left-hand corner.
2. From the drop-down menu, select "Add File to Library".
3. Select your MP3 from its saved location on your computer and add it to your iTunes library.
4. Look under "Recently Added" under your Playlists and then you can select it and sync it to your iPod.