Miracles DO Happen

About 2 months ago, I found myself kneeling on the bathroom floor. (Hey, it's got a lock and I was able to be left alone, which I desperately needed).  I poured my heart out to God and told him that I just can't take this anymore. I can't. I pleaded with him to give me *something* that would encourage me to go on with this marriage and to give me some strength to deal with Sven's illness. I honestly thought that maybe a friend of mine would call to chat or I'd find a scripture that would give me strength or some little kindness from someone would help me through the day.

Instead.....

Sven came home extremely depressed. Not so much angry. More....withdrawn. Sullen. Gloomy. Sulked into the bedroom and crawled into bed at 5:30 PM. Wouldn't talk to me, despite some of my best efforts. Finally he told me that he'd gone to the doctor that afternoon because his depression was so overwhelming that he was having suicidal thoughts again. So.....they gave him a prescription and he filled it. Voluntarily. My shock still hasn't quite worn off, and it's been 2 months.

Yes, Sven is taking anti-depressants. He CHOSE to do this. The medication has been switched once, but again, HE made the appointment to discuss the side effects. Not me. I didn't make him do this.

I cannot believe the difference I see in him. He's still got some very rough days, but they're not as dark and the good days seem to be outnumbering the bad, which has never happened in all my years of being married to Sven.

Miracles do happen. They really do. Maybe the Lord's timing is just different than mine and I needed (oh wait... still really, really need, lol) to work on patience. Hmm.. maybe that's it. ;)

PS...Don't get your hopes up for me too much. This is a roller coaster ride, after all. It won't stay like this forever, but I'm going to enjoy what I can for now. :)

About Ivana

I am married to a man I'll call Sven. You can read more about Sven's Story here. Sven has suffered from fairly deep depression for as long as I have known him and as long as he can remember. He has threatened suicide several times, but never followed through on any of his plans. He is in denial about the severity of his depression and refuses counseling/therapy as well as medication. It's a tough road.

We have 4 children whom I will refer to as: Hans, Annelise, Greta, and Lisbeth.

We are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I believe that depression and mental illness are real, just as heart disease, high blood pressure, thyroid disease and other physical ailments are. Through this blog, I hope to increase my understanding of depression and find ways to cope and heal and find support through establishing connections with others who can shed insight from their own experiences.

A few of my interests include gardening, music, and running. I serve in several positions in my LDS ward that I find challenging and time consuming, but they are a great outlet for me and I enjoy them all. (A ward is much like a parish, for those of you who are not LDS).