Tears

Sven has been mean and angry all week. Withdrawn. Cold. Sarcastic and cutting.

Sven and Ivana had a huge fight that lasted for several days. Ivana was very, very sad and frustrated.

Sven finally admitted that he went off his meds. :(  He agreed to start taking them again.

Ivana cried. A LOT.

Ivana will try to post something more uplifting next time. Sorry. :(

Stained Glass Windows

"People are like stained glass windows. They sparkle when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only by the light from within."

~ Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Good Things to Come

No matter what your religious beliefs are, this video has a good message about trusting God.



For some reason I can't get the video to fit exactly here on the blog, so if you want, you can also click here to view it:
Good Things to Come

Don't give up. Don't quit. No matter what, keep your faith strong in what you believe in.

Realization

Sven and I were lying on our bed the other night and he actually was snuggling me while he was falling asleep. (The reason that's odd is because Sven doesn't like to be touched while he's sleeping.)  He was spooned up against my back and had his arm around my waist. Things have been really rough between me and Sven for a long time, and this was, well, a delightful suprise to me. I was thrilled at how good things felt between us. He was sleeping and I didn't want to move. It just felt so good to have him hold me like that and I felt safe. I felt peaceful. I felt whole, for the first time in a very, very long time.  

As I was drifting off to sleep, I remember thinking, "Wow, we did it. We're finally doing better. It's almost like I can't tell where his feet are and where my feet are...we feel like we just belong this way....." and I was jolted awake by him involuntarily poking me in the ribs with his fingers.... HARD. I was so startled awake that I said, "What!? What?" loudly enough that it woke him. He sleepily mumbled sorry and went right back to sleep. How bizarre, I thought, and I settled back into my sleepy, wonderful moment, peacefully enjoying how good it felt to have my husband hold me....until he started jerking his arm across my body...again, kind of hard. "SVEN, WHAT!?" I asked him.

He made some incoherent noises and grunted a little and went back to sleep. (The truth is, I don't know that he ever really was fully awake, lol).  It happened one more time shortly after that, where he was again pushing down hard on my ribs with his fingers repeatedly.

I lay there for a while wondering why he was doing this. I slowly pulled away from him a little and he stopped doing it. He kept his arm around me, but that didn't happen again, and we actually fell asleep that way, which I truly believe is a first for us. (Yes, I know, some people will think that's crazy). 

As I reflected on those events, the parallel that came into my mind the following morning was very clear. As I took the time to think about it, I settled on this and it just made so much sense to me.

It boils down to this: No matter how hard he tries not to, Sven will always "poke me in the ribs". It's just who he is.  It's part of the Borderline Personality Disorder that I believe he has. He wants intimacy. He wants to be close to me, but he's so afraid of that deep intimacy that he will create distractions or drama to poke me in the ribs and keep a bit of distance. It is very likely that I will never experience the deep, emotional bonding or connection that I crave in my marriage. The trick for me is still enjoying the bliss that I get with him when he's not poking me. It's difficult. It's hard to not be angry when things are going so well and he seems to create some needless drama or fight because he feels the need to protect himself.  Perhaps God was trying to help me understand Sven better. Perhaps I needed to have this experience so that I can later reflect on it and not get so upset, but rather remind myself that he's involuntarily poking me in the ribs in his sleep. It's like auto-pilot. He doesn't even realize he's doing it.

I love Sven. I really do. Realizing that I may never have the depth of intimacy that I desire is difficult for me, and I think I need to mourn or grieve over some of the things that Sven may never be able to give me. It doesn't make Sven a bad person. It just means I need to find a way to accept that I am asking for something he cannot provide and perhaps let go of that desire. I just have to pull away from him a little now and then so that he'll stop poking me.

The point is, Sven loves me. He really, really does. He just has a very hard time showing it sometimes. And I am learning that that is ok. I am number one in his heart, and that makes me a very lucky person. :)

Fatigue and Depression

I saw this on television the other day and thought I'd share it. I tried to get the video to post here, but if it doesn't work, you can link it here and watch it. I'll post the script below.   Dr. Liz Hale talks about things that can be done to help fight fatigue and depression. She does talk about supplements and anti-depressants, as well as exercise and other alternatives.

Fighting Fatigue and Dealing with Depression
Studio 5 Contributor Dr. Liz Hale breaks down the differences.

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Fatigue and a psychiatric disorder are not the same; fatigue and depression have different risk factors. However, there is a great deal of overlap between the two disorders. A year-long study of the World Health Organization involving 3,200 patients discovered that fatigued persons often feel psychologically distressed over their condition; and depressed persons often experience fatigue as a symptom of depression. Depression and fatigue can reinforce each other in a vicious cycle. According to the U.S. General Surgeon, the number of people facing depression is astounding; during their lifetime, more than 20 million Americans will suffer major depression.

Regardless of what it is or what we call it, simple fatigue or depression, there are thing you can do to feel better.

Seek Professional Assistance

This is the first line of defense; get down to the cause of the complaint! See your general practitioner and get a complete physical. There are many medical conditions that cause fatigue, such as, hypothyroidism, heart disease, cancer, diabetes, and Multiple Sclerosis, to name only a few. Get vitamin levels checked, in particular vitamins B-12 and D, which are known to cause low energy levels when deficient. Consider taking fish oil supplementation. Great bodies of research have come form Harvard and UCLA about the benefits of fish oil on brain health.

Another significant treatment to consider is visiting with a mental health professional to ascertain if your fatigue is related to depression. Cognitive behavioral techniques involve changing thought processes which is essential in combating fatigue since clinical depression is worsened by negative thoughts and self evaluations. Fatigue encompasses both physical and mental exhaustion, therefore, eliminating repetitive and intrusive thoughts reduces the amount of energy wasted on negative emotions.

Recognize Behaviors & Symptoms

Only about a third of people with depression actually receive medical help because either they or their primary care physicians don't recognize the symptoms; that's a tragedy because this can be a treatable problem. Clients often mistake depression for fatigue. However, upon further investigation, they also report trouble sleeping, either too much or too little and trouble with appetite, ether too much or too little, in addition to an overwhelming feeling of sadness and suicide. If other complaints such as these accompany fatigue, then it's not just fatigue; it's depression. Pay attention to your own mental well being as well as to others in your family. Become educated on depression and how children and adolescents, as well as adult males, can show depression in forms of anger or acting out.

Moving here from Seattle about 6 years ago was harder than I ever thought it would be. Rebuilding social networks, professional connections, a spiritual support system, and navigating new territory was not easy. It was all I could do to make it through a full day of work. Not recognizing even in myself how depressed I was, I'll never forget shortly after my mother passed away, calling in to work because I simply could not get out of bed….if was as if I had weights pushing my body down into the mattress of my bed. It's not unusual for a major (or even minor event) to cause the realization of Clinical Depression to come to light.

Study & Embrace "Treatment" Options

"Treatment" can come in a number of different forms; the key is to be willing to do something new to help yourself! Become an expert on fatigue and depression. You may find yourself being drawn to the literature on bio-identical hormone replacement therapy, natural supplements, Vitamin B-12 shots, or medication. I once worked with a male client who had struggled with depression for as long as he can remember; he just hadn't recognized it until now. While it is seldom my first line of defense, I encouraged him to visit with his physician regarding the use of anti-depressant medication. What motivated him? An interview with Terry Bradshaw. As a former star quarterback for the Pittsburgh Steelers, Terry Bradshaw reports a long and painful history of depression followed by his successful recovery following the prescribed anti-depressant, Paxil. Today, Terry Bradshaw is a champion for removing the stigma of depression and urging people to get the help they need. (And my particular client has also improved significantly from an anti-depressant.)

Use Motion on E-motion

This is tricky…because whether I am tired or depressed, the last thing I feel like doing is moving myself anywhere, especially away from the cushion on my couch! Physical activity is an effective way to reduce symptoms of depression like fatigue. Even 10 to 15 minutes of moving your body can yield a significant result. Ask for help. If motivation is the key concern, make a commitment to walk with a friend. Physical activity produces endorphins which elevate mod and diminish muscle tension caused by stress. Walking outside is a great form of exercise; exposure to sunlight and fresh air further awaken the body.


Face Facts & Remove Stigma

Mental illness is not something that happens to other people….it happens to us! It happens to me and to you; in your family and in mine. My cousin Justi, at one time, was the most beautiful woman in our family. She has struggled with depression for years, which sadly went untreated. To mask the pain of depression, Justi drank alcohol. As a family, we focused on the alcohol addiction which indeed was a HUGE problem. As Justi is willing to get professional health, she will hopefully begin to peel away the layers and face the demons that drive her to drink. An anti-depressant, individual therapy and group therapy, as well as a treatment program, are all playing a key role in her recovery.
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Dr. Liz Hale is a licensed clinical psychologist and a regular Studio 5 Contributor. Your comments and questions are welcomed! Please visit www.drlizhale.com to add your thoughts to today's discussion or learn more about her private practice.

Miracles DO Happen

About 2 months ago, I found myself kneeling on the bathroom floor. (Hey, it's got a lock and I was able to be left alone, which I desperately needed).  I poured my heart out to God and told him that I just can't take this anymore. I can't. I pleaded with him to give me *something* that would encourage me to go on with this marriage and to give me some strength to deal with Sven's illness. I honestly thought that maybe a friend of mine would call to chat or I'd find a scripture that would give me strength or some little kindness from someone would help me through the day.

Instead.....

Sven came home extremely depressed. Not so much angry. More....withdrawn. Sullen. Gloomy. Sulked into the bedroom and crawled into bed at 5:30 PM. Wouldn't talk to me, despite some of my best efforts. Finally he told me that he'd gone to the doctor that afternoon because his depression was so overwhelming that he was having suicidal thoughts again. So.....they gave him a prescription and he filled it. Voluntarily. My shock still hasn't quite worn off, and it's been 2 months.

Yes, Sven is taking anti-depressants. He CHOSE to do this. The medication has been switched once, but again, HE made the appointment to discuss the side effects. Not me. I didn't make him do this.

I cannot believe the difference I see in him. He's still got some very rough days, but they're not as dark and the good days seem to be outnumbering the bad, which has never happened in all my years of being married to Sven.

Miracles do happen. They really do. Maybe the Lord's timing is just different than mine and I needed (oh wait... still really, really need, lol) to work on patience. Hmm.. maybe that's it. ;)

PS...Don't get your hopes up for me too much. This is a roller coaster ride, after all. It won't stay like this forever, but I'm going to enjoy what I can for now. :)