The Silent Rage or Silent Treatment

Ran across a few great articles about Borderline Personailty Disorder and the Silent Treatment. I snagged a few excerpts from the articles, and I can definitely say that every single one of them describes my life. Yay for me.

Quiet or "Acting-In" Borderlines and the Silent Treatment

"There is nothing fair or reasonable, healthy or appropriate about the silent treatment. It is abusive. Even if one needs time or space, one can surely say that and take responsibility for that. For the quiet borderline, the "acting in" borderline, in his or her passive-aggressive style of pulling and manipulating for control, the silent treatment is the ultimate abdication of personal responsibility.

Not only is the quiet borderline abdicating his or her responsibility to respect you, the non borderline, but he or she is also holding you hostage to it while blaming you for it."

The Silent Treatment

"When prisoners are being punished, they are put in isolation, because being isolated is one of the harshest punishments there is - other than physical abuse.

The silent treatment is a form of punishment, a way to attempt to control children and partners into doing what you want them to do. It is a withdrawal of approval, and can cause much fear in people who are vulnerable to this."

The Silent Treatment: When Your Partner Acts As If You Don't Exist

"...perhaps, in your relationship, he ignores you for days, weeks, or months... all of the time barely looking at you, barely speaking to you. If you ask him what is wrong, he ignores you or tells you curtly that everything is 'fine'. But he is jolly, pleasant, even kind to others.. to a waitress, to a coworker, to a child. Yes, he may be playing with your child, talking sweetly to him, while you, Mom, stand nearby and he barely looks at you. If you ask him something, his face is locked into a cold stare. His eyes are cold. There is no love, no affection anywhere in his face."

The Silent Treatment

"Receiving the silent treatment is a sign that emotional abuse is at play in a relationship. There may seem to be an actual reason for the silence, or the abuser might be considered delicate by loved ones. When bad feelings are provoked by the silence to meet the quiet person's needs, this act is still a form of abuse."

Angelic or Evil? Meh..Depends on the Day

I thought things were pretty good. Seemed ok. Getting along for the most part, much better than in a long time.

Lately Sven seems to like me. Things have been ok.....until this morning, when I began to be the focus of yet another silent rage. Ahh, Borderlines and their silent raging.

So.....I'm "evil" again, just in case you were wondering. (I know.. that's what you sit around wondering, lol). It's a cycle, and I'm not to worried about it. I'll be back to angelic soon, just have to endure the focus of the hatred for a little while. I'm getting rather good at it, actually. I'm surprised at how much it DIDN'T affect me this time.

So....Points for that, right?

Little Things You Can Do For Yourself

A while ago, I spent some time in counseling myself, learning to cope with Sven & his erratic behavior and with some of my own issues from my childhood/teenager-hood. (is that a word? lol Probably not)  During counseling, the therapist recommended that I make a list of things I could do for myself. These were to be things that were simply ways I honored myself or pampered myself or took a minute out of my day to do something that was completely, utterly for me.

I was asked to make a list of 20 things. At the time, that was completely overwhelming to me. I was experiencing a bit of my own depression and I was finally dealing with something traumatic that happened to me as a teenager. The therapist even told me, "It can be something as simple as putting lotion on your hands every night."

Still, I felt that coming up with twenty items was asking too much. Twenty? Wow, that just sounded so incredibly selfish. I am the person who put everyone else in front of her for years and years. I was taught that it was selfish to do things for myself, but that you should always be serving others or putting others before yourself. That was, after all, what a selfless, thoughtful, wonderful wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend would do. Right??

It probably took me 4 weeks to come up with 20 items to put on my list, and that was something I was only able to do after I consulted friends and asked for their input. Looking back, I see how simple the exercise really was, but how frozen I was by it.  I remember specifically that one thing I came up with was that I could take time to really care for my skin and wash my face/remove my make-up each night. I splurged on a good moisturizer for my eyes and face. I took about 5 minutes each night to really pamper my skin. Every night as I did that, I told myself that this was simply for me. It had nothing to do with caring for Sven or caring for my children or friends. It was caring about me.

One other thing I started to do was that I would occasionally stop by the cemetery and visit the grave of my grandfather. I sit, all by myself, and think. The cemetery is piercingly quiet, generally speaking. There is a deep reverence there. I never spend long there, but I always come away with more clarity. (My grandfather makes an amazing listener. He never tells me what to do. Tee hee)

The so-called "parable of the oxygen mask" is probably something you've all heard, but I think it bears repeating:

"As I’ve flown, I’ve noted as we commence to take off from the airport, a flight attendant will arise and among other things will say, 'Now, if we lose air pressure in the cabin, an oxygen mask will descend from overhead. If you’re caring for young children or someone with a disability, make sure you put on your own oxygen mask before you try to help others.' Why would the flight attendant say that? Obviously, if you’re unconscious, you can’t help anyone else. So it is with our service to humankind and our service in the Church and in our professions. If we don’t strengthen ourselves, we will never be in a position to strengthen others."   ---Robert F. Orton, “Living a Balanced Life,” Ensign, Feb 2008, 64–68

 Take time for you. Fill your own bucket, because you can't help someone else if you have nothing to give.  If you are in a situation similar to mine, perhaps feeling frozen and unable to move forward, here's my list. Most of them are really simple and inexpensive (or free).   This list was compiled by the input of many friends, and I am including all the ideas, simple as they may be.

• Exercise - run, yoga, pilates, cycling, walking, take a class, swim, etc.

• Run/train for a race.
• Take time to shave your legs & underarms (or face if you're a man)
• Organize a group of friends for a game of basketball, softball, soccer, football, racquetball, etc.

• Spend time in the sauna, steam room, or hot tub at the gym or pool

• Go on a walk with a good friend and talk about anything and everything. The walking will be beneficial to your mood and health as well as the chatter and friendship.
• Get a pedicure or manicure. Do it yourself or trade with a friend if you can't afford a professional service. Simply paint your toenails a fun color if that's all you can do.

• Get a great haircut and/or color. It doesn't have to break the bank.
• Keep a gratitude journal
• Work in your yard or garden or cultivate house plants or herbs.

• Read. Join a Book Club if that inspires you and you enjoy the discussion
• Do something creative that fills your spirit, such as sewing, crochet, pottery, wood working, scuplting, drawing, composing music or poetry, creative writing, blogging, soap making, jewelry making,  photography, photo editing, floral design, quilting, knitting, scrapbooking, painting, and many more

• Cut some flowers from your yard or purchase an inexpensive bunch at the grocery store or local market and put them in a pretty vase on the table

• Take a bath instead of a shower (if that relaxes you more. Personally, I prefer a long, hot shower. Although, seriously... if I had this bathroom?? I'd be all for taking a long bath. This looks incredible!)

• Take up a new hobby
• Play a musical instrument or sing

• Write in a journal
• Keep a notebook filled with inspiring quotes
• Buy yourself a treat at the grocery store and eat it all by yourself on the way home. (Or stash some in a hidden location. My mother-in-law hides them inside tupperware containers in various places in her pantry)

• Color in a coloring book

• Draw
• Get a massage or facial. You can check the local beauty school for discounted offers

• Spend time sitting in the park or on a nature walk
• Sit in a hammock or lie on a towel in your backyard or deck
• Read scriptural text, whatever that is for you

• Sing in a choir at your church or community
• Spend time researching your family history and doing genealogy
• Do a puzzle, play a game, play solitaire on the computer, etc.

• Go to the movies or rent a movie, even if it's all by yourself. (Perhaps especially so)
• Listen to some really great music that inspires and uplifts you
• Remove your eye makeup and take time to cleanse your face.

• Splurge on a good moisturizer.
• Splurge on a really great eye cream moisturizer. (This is one that I did.)
• Put lotion on your legs, hands and feet each night before you go to bed
• Sing in the shower, your car, or at home.
• Go fishing
• Spend time in nature
• Take a hike or walk along a nature trail
• Visit a sanctuary, church, mosque, synagogue, temple, or other house of worship

• Place a beautiful, inspiring photograph, quotation, painting or other artwork somewhere you will see it daily.
• Meditate
• Take a different route to or from work or school. Just for you. 
• Watch a sunset or sunrise

• Get up in the night and gaze at the moon (works well if you're already up with insomnia)
• Take any medications that have been prescribed for you.
• Take a daily vitamin and calcium supplement (if approved by your doctor)
• Wear sunscreen daily
• Buy a really cute/cool-looking pair of sunglasses
• Buy yourself a fun lip gloss. Just. Because.
• Wear lip balm with sunscreen in it.
• Splurge on a fun fragrance for your home
• Wear perfume, cologne, body spray or scented deodorant that you like

• Wear a pretty piece of jewelry
• Drink water. Ideally, try for at least half of your body weight in ounces of water. (For example, if you weigh 150 lbs, you'd drink 75 oz of water per day).  Helps with weight loss and appetite control, too.

• Read a magazine
• Sleep in (even if only occasionally)
• Go to bed early. Try hard to get enough sleep.
• Visit the grave of a loved one, all by yourself. Talk to them.

• Pray
• Light some candles and enjoy the light in the evening. (Be careful and use fire safety!)

• Eat well. Don't skip breakfast or other meals. Feed your body nutritious foods and pass on the junk. (Definitely easier said than done!)
• Wash your car
• Keep your desk, dresser, office, home (etc) neat and orderly

Obviously, not all ideas are going to work for everyone, but surely there's something here that you can choose to do that is simply for the benefit of you. If you have other ideas, please leave them in the comments. I'd love to hear them.

Please Don't Leave Me

I heard this song recently, and I can't believe how much it describes Sven to me. I love Sven. Don't get me wrong. Sven is super sweet sometimes. He can be so tender and loving. And then, in an instant, he can be cruel -  almost heartless - and he knows exactly what to say to cut me to the very core of my being.  It's kind of a Jekyll/Hyde thing. 

I feel that the words to this song describe Borderline Personality Disorder. I think that Pink describes this disorder so well in this song. If you're not a fan of Pink, that's ok. I personally think a lot of her stuff is rather twisted, but maybe that's why it speaks to me. So.... if there ever was a Borderline Personality Disorder theme song..... I think this is it:

The thing I have discovered in my reading about Borderline Personality Disorder is the huge fear of being abandoned. Yet, despite this fear, they won't let anyone close to them, because if they do that person might abandon them. They absolutely crave closeness and intimacy, but they can't handle it when it starts to happen. It's so intense for them that they do something crazy and mean to get you to pull away. It's really quite sad. I have a friend who mentioned that his ex-wife once left this song on his answering machine. She's also a Borderline. He and I have talked at length about how difficult it can be, and yet we get so enmeshed with our partners and have such a difficult time not being codependent on them.

So what lines speak to me, in particular? Most of them, really. It's so dead-on that it stopped me in my tracks and I started to cry.  Sven has never harmed me physically, and I don't think anything like that would ever happen. But emotionally and verbally, it has been an extreme roller coaster for me.

I have tried to keep what I post very positive, and I will try to continue to do so. I really will, but I can't make any promises. I care about Sven and I know that he didn't ask for this disorder. But I didn't ask for it, either, and right now, I could use some support. I am facing some tough questions right now.

So...if you're out there...if you're reading this...I could use your prayers. Whatever it is that you do, I can use it. So.... light a candle, pray, chant, burn incense, meditate, sing, dance, throw starfish at the moon...I don't really care how you do it. Just know I would be ever so grateful for anything.

Video Clip: Mental Illness in Marriage

Dr. Liz Hale represents Utah's strongermarriage.org, a resource for providing education and insight to strengthen marriages.

This video was originally found here.

i am going to apolgize now for this being my first entry because i am angry. ivana told me about this site and i could use the opportunity to drop my burden. my name is supermom. i have no idea what to call myself. my husband, i will call him oscar, cuz for the most of the time he is grouchy, has severe depression. somedays i wonder if something else in the mix that i just dont know about but for the most part he is just angry. angry at the world but mostly at me. we have 9 kids. i am a stay at home mom obviously. my baby is almost in school. what makes me mad today is that he tells me that he is not happy with his life, with his job, he has no friends. and he wants to move back home. right now we reside a beautiful part of the country that is green and lush. oscar has had depression for several years now. at first all he did was sleep, a lot. he has gone from one job to another for the past 5yrs. he doesnt feel as if he can work for anyone so we have been running our own business which i have learned to like. he does contract maintenance work that allows him the flexibility to make his own hours and still get a paycheque. this is the first job that he has had for any length of time. we also get assistance from the gov't that is over half of what comes into the house. i know that he is ashamed to get welfare, but he is ill and cant work any more than he already does. he just wants to already be healed.
this morning he told me that he would like to move back home. this floored me cuz we are finally in a spot where we are taking care of ourselves financially. he has a job that fits his personality and his issues, but he wants to dump all that and just move back. of course, i want to move back home too, to be with my family and his, but how would we survive. where would he work. we up and moved away from home almost 3yrs ago, and it was the hardest thing for my kids to endure. to move for no reason, just because, caused my kids to suffer for a long time. now they are comfortable with the ward and with thier friends and with school. i cannot ask them to up and move back without something to go to. and it really bugs me that oscar is wanting to.
one thing you need to know about oscar is that he is the master of manipulation. he is trying to make me feel guilty that i dont want to move back to be near our families. i want some security.

i know that i am not alone, but some days there is no one to call, no one to email that could possibly understand. and that is frustrating.

this is not positive, and i feel bad, when i know that my husband is not a bad guy. just someone that signed up for this and i agreed to be with him.

i will try better next time.

Oysters

"A pearl is a beautiful thing that is produced by an injured life. It is the tear [that results] from the injury of the oyster. The treasure of our being in this world is also produced by an injured life. If we had not been wounded, if we had not been injured, then we will not produce the pearl."

 - Stephan Hoeller -

Tears

Sven has been mean and angry all week. Withdrawn. Cold. Sarcastic and cutting.

Sven and Ivana had a huge fight that lasted for several days. Ivana was very, very sad and frustrated.

Sven finally admitted that he went off his meds. :(  He agreed to start taking them again.

Ivana cried. A LOT.

Ivana will try to post something more uplifting next time. Sorry. :(

Stained Glass Windows

"People are like stained glass windows. They sparkle when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only by the light from within."

~ Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Good Things to Come

No matter what your religious beliefs are, this video has a good message about trusting God.



For some reason I can't get the video to fit exactly here on the blog, so if you want, you can also click here to view it:
Good Things to Come

Don't give up. Don't quit. No matter what, keep your faith strong in what you believe in.

Realization

Sven and I were lying on our bed the other night and he actually was snuggling me while he was falling asleep. (The reason that's odd is because Sven doesn't like to be touched while he's sleeping.)  He was spooned up against my back and had his arm around my waist. Things have been really rough between me and Sven for a long time, and this was, well, a delightful suprise to me. I was thrilled at how good things felt between us. He was sleeping and I didn't want to move. It just felt so good to have him hold me like that and I felt safe. I felt peaceful. I felt whole, for the first time in a very, very long time.  

As I was drifting off to sleep, I remember thinking, "Wow, we did it. We're finally doing better. It's almost like I can't tell where his feet are and where my feet are...we feel like we just belong this way....." and I was jolted awake by him involuntarily poking me in the ribs with his fingers.... HARD. I was so startled awake that I said, "What!? What?" loudly enough that it woke him. He sleepily mumbled sorry and went right back to sleep. How bizarre, I thought, and I settled back into my sleepy, wonderful moment, peacefully enjoying how good it felt to have my husband hold me....until he started jerking his arm across my body...again, kind of hard. "SVEN, WHAT!?" I asked him.

He made some incoherent noises and grunted a little and went back to sleep. (The truth is, I don't know that he ever really was fully awake, lol).  It happened one more time shortly after that, where he was again pushing down hard on my ribs with his fingers repeatedly.

I lay there for a while wondering why he was doing this. I slowly pulled away from him a little and he stopped doing it. He kept his arm around me, but that didn't happen again, and we actually fell asleep that way, which I truly believe is a first for us. (Yes, I know, some people will think that's crazy). 

As I reflected on those events, the parallel that came into my mind the following morning was very clear. As I took the time to think about it, I settled on this and it just made so much sense to me.

It boils down to this: No matter how hard he tries not to, Sven will always "poke me in the ribs". It's just who he is.  It's part of the Borderline Personality Disorder that I believe he has. He wants intimacy. He wants to be close to me, but he's so afraid of that deep intimacy that he will create distractions or drama to poke me in the ribs and keep a bit of distance. It is very likely that I will never experience the deep, emotional bonding or connection that I crave in my marriage. The trick for me is still enjoying the bliss that I get with him when he's not poking me. It's difficult. It's hard to not be angry when things are going so well and he seems to create some needless drama or fight because he feels the need to protect himself.  Perhaps God was trying to help me understand Sven better. Perhaps I needed to have this experience so that I can later reflect on it and not get so upset, but rather remind myself that he's involuntarily poking me in the ribs in his sleep. It's like auto-pilot. He doesn't even realize he's doing it.

I love Sven. I really do. Realizing that I may never have the depth of intimacy that I desire is difficult for me, and I think I need to mourn or grieve over some of the things that Sven may never be able to give me. It doesn't make Sven a bad person. It just means I need to find a way to accept that I am asking for something he cannot provide and perhaps let go of that desire. I just have to pull away from him a little now and then so that he'll stop poking me.

The point is, Sven loves me. He really, really does. He just has a very hard time showing it sometimes. And I am learning that that is ok. I am number one in his heart, and that makes me a very lucky person. :)

Fatigue and Depression

I saw this on television the other day and thought I'd share it. I tried to get the video to post here, but if it doesn't work, you can link it here and watch it. I'll post the script below.   Dr. Liz Hale talks about things that can be done to help fight fatigue and depression. She does talk about supplements and anti-depressants, as well as exercise and other alternatives.

Fighting Fatigue and Dealing with Depression
Studio 5 Contributor Dr. Liz Hale breaks down the differences.

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Fatigue and a psychiatric disorder are not the same; fatigue and depression have different risk factors. However, there is a great deal of overlap between the two disorders. A year-long study of the World Health Organization involving 3,200 patients discovered that fatigued persons often feel psychologically distressed over their condition; and depressed persons often experience fatigue as a symptom of depression. Depression and fatigue can reinforce each other in a vicious cycle. According to the U.S. General Surgeon, the number of people facing depression is astounding; during their lifetime, more than 20 million Americans will suffer major depression.

Regardless of what it is or what we call it, simple fatigue or depression, there are thing you can do to feel better.

Seek Professional Assistance

This is the first line of defense; get down to the cause of the complaint! See your general practitioner and get a complete physical. There are many medical conditions that cause fatigue, such as, hypothyroidism, heart disease, cancer, diabetes, and Multiple Sclerosis, to name only a few. Get vitamin levels checked, in particular vitamins B-12 and D, which are known to cause low energy levels when deficient. Consider taking fish oil supplementation. Great bodies of research have come form Harvard and UCLA about the benefits of fish oil on brain health.

Another significant treatment to consider is visiting with a mental health professional to ascertain if your fatigue is related to depression. Cognitive behavioral techniques involve changing thought processes which is essential in combating fatigue since clinical depression is worsened by negative thoughts and self evaluations. Fatigue encompasses both physical and mental exhaustion, therefore, eliminating repetitive and intrusive thoughts reduces the amount of energy wasted on negative emotions.

Recognize Behaviors & Symptoms

Only about a third of people with depression actually receive medical help because either they or their primary care physicians don't recognize the symptoms; that's a tragedy because this can be a treatable problem. Clients often mistake depression for fatigue. However, upon further investigation, they also report trouble sleeping, either too much or too little and trouble with appetite, ether too much or too little, in addition to an overwhelming feeling of sadness and suicide. If other complaints such as these accompany fatigue, then it's not just fatigue; it's depression. Pay attention to your own mental well being as well as to others in your family. Become educated on depression and how children and adolescents, as well as adult males, can show depression in forms of anger or acting out.

Moving here from Seattle about 6 years ago was harder than I ever thought it would be. Rebuilding social networks, professional connections, a spiritual support system, and navigating new territory was not easy. It was all I could do to make it through a full day of work. Not recognizing even in myself how depressed I was, I'll never forget shortly after my mother passed away, calling in to work because I simply could not get out of bed….if was as if I had weights pushing my body down into the mattress of my bed. It's not unusual for a major (or even minor event) to cause the realization of Clinical Depression to come to light.

Study & Embrace "Treatment" Options

"Treatment" can come in a number of different forms; the key is to be willing to do something new to help yourself! Become an expert on fatigue and depression. You may find yourself being drawn to the literature on bio-identical hormone replacement therapy, natural supplements, Vitamin B-12 shots, or medication. I once worked with a male client who had struggled with depression for as long as he can remember; he just hadn't recognized it until now. While it is seldom my first line of defense, I encouraged him to visit with his physician regarding the use of anti-depressant medication. What motivated him? An interview with Terry Bradshaw. As a former star quarterback for the Pittsburgh Steelers, Terry Bradshaw reports a long and painful history of depression followed by his successful recovery following the prescribed anti-depressant, Paxil. Today, Terry Bradshaw is a champion for removing the stigma of depression and urging people to get the help they need. (And my particular client has also improved significantly from an anti-depressant.)

Use Motion on E-motion

This is tricky…because whether I am tired or depressed, the last thing I feel like doing is moving myself anywhere, especially away from the cushion on my couch! Physical activity is an effective way to reduce symptoms of depression like fatigue. Even 10 to 15 minutes of moving your body can yield a significant result. Ask for help. If motivation is the key concern, make a commitment to walk with a friend. Physical activity produces endorphins which elevate mod and diminish muscle tension caused by stress. Walking outside is a great form of exercise; exposure to sunlight and fresh air further awaken the body.


Face Facts & Remove Stigma

Mental illness is not something that happens to other people….it happens to us! It happens to me and to you; in your family and in mine. My cousin Justi, at one time, was the most beautiful woman in our family. She has struggled with depression for years, which sadly went untreated. To mask the pain of depression, Justi drank alcohol. As a family, we focused on the alcohol addiction which indeed was a HUGE problem. As Justi is willing to get professional health, she will hopefully begin to peel away the layers and face the demons that drive her to drink. An anti-depressant, individual therapy and group therapy, as well as a treatment program, are all playing a key role in her recovery.
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Dr. Liz Hale is a licensed clinical psychologist and a regular Studio 5 Contributor. Your comments and questions are welcomed! Please visit www.drlizhale.com to add your thoughts to today's discussion or learn more about her private practice.

Miracles DO Happen

About 2 months ago, I found myself kneeling on the bathroom floor. (Hey, it's got a lock and I was able to be left alone, which I desperately needed).  I poured my heart out to God and told him that I just can't take this anymore. I can't. I pleaded with him to give me *something* that would encourage me to go on with this marriage and to give me some strength to deal with Sven's illness. I honestly thought that maybe a friend of mine would call to chat or I'd find a scripture that would give me strength or some little kindness from someone would help me through the day.

Instead.....

Sven came home extremely depressed. Not so much angry. More....withdrawn. Sullen. Gloomy. Sulked into the bedroom and crawled into bed at 5:30 PM. Wouldn't talk to me, despite some of my best efforts. Finally he told me that he'd gone to the doctor that afternoon because his depression was so overwhelming that he was having suicidal thoughts again. So.....they gave him a prescription and he filled it. Voluntarily. My shock still hasn't quite worn off, and it's been 2 months.

Yes, Sven is taking anti-depressants. He CHOSE to do this. The medication has been switched once, but again, HE made the appointment to discuss the side effects. Not me. I didn't make him do this.

I cannot believe the difference I see in him. He's still got some very rough days, but they're not as dark and the good days seem to be outnumbering the bad, which has never happened in all my years of being married to Sven.

Miracles do happen. They really do. Maybe the Lord's timing is just different than mine and I needed (oh wait... still really, really need, lol) to work on patience. Hmm.. maybe that's it. ;)

PS...Don't get your hopes up for me too much. This is a roller coaster ride, after all. It won't stay like this forever, but I'm going to enjoy what I can for now. :)

Dear Robert,

Dear Robert,

If today were a normal day, and you were the Robert you sometimes are, I would be picking up the phone to say, "I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE." It's just one of those days when the pressures seem to be more than I can manage. I would ask you to help me see perspective, to make decisions about parenting that somehow seem to big to make on my own, to calm me down and let me know we'd weather this storm together (and all the others, too.)

But today is our new normal, and you are the Robert you are now, and I can't share the load of the burdens I bear. Your own burdens are too much for you already. Expressing my negative emotions leads to a few different outcomes. Here they are:

1. You get angry. Angry at whichever child is creating issues. Or angry at the troubles worrying me. Or angry at me for feeling like my life is hard when yours is clearly much harder. Or angry at God for giving us trials. This is the most likely response right now.

2. You get more depressed and withdrawn. You start making broad, sweeping decisions about our lives and how they are hopeless and will continue to be hopeless. You decide that there are no solutions except despair. This is the most likely response when you're even further down the path of depression.

3. You rally. I see old Robert come through the fog of blackness, and hear old Robert's kind and loving voice and feel his arms hold me and let me know that we can manage. This does happen. Sometimes this happens. I hold out hope that it will happen more and more often.

I would like to assume that #3 will be the most likely response, and handle the other outcomes if necessary. I would like to. I just can't.

So when you come home from work, and I feel fragile, with skin of porcelain ready to crack at any rough treatment, I will put on my smile, ask how your day was, soothe you through your troubles, sit you down to dinner, and do my best to love you.

But it is so hard. It is so very very hard. And I am very very lonely.

Will you come back soon? I know you would if you could.

Clara

Adversity and Liberty Jail

I promise... this really does deal with depression and trials....just bear with me.

About a year ago I was sitting in Relief Society listening to a lesson about the Prophet Joseph Smith and his arrest and detainment in Liberty Jail in 1838-1839.  (Relief Society is the women's gospel class taught in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints).   Because you may not be familiar with the story of Liberty Jail, I will give a brief summary.

The lesson that day was titled "God Shall Be With You Forever and Ever": The Prophet in Liberty Jail.

Liberty Jail was probably the worst prison that Joseph Smith ever was confined to. The material in the lesson was a good summary of the conditions in which he lived. 

As a life-long member of my church, I am familiar with the conditions of Liberty Jail, and I am very familiar with this story. Most of the women who attend my Relief Society are also very familiar with this. I wondered how our teacher was going to make this interesting and enlightening. I knew that would be a difficult task, and I was grateful it was not I who had to teach the lesson!  She took the time to remind us of the conditions of Liberty Jail, which I will also do.

The Prophet described their situation: “We are kept under a strong guard, night and day, in a prison of double walls and doors, proscribed in our liberty of conscience. Our food is scant, uniform, and coarse; we have not the privilege of cooking for ourselves; we have been compelled to sleep on the floor with straw, and not blankets sufficient to keep us warm; and when we have a fire, we are obliged to have almost a constant smoke. The Judges have gravely told us from time to time that they knew we were innocent, and ought to be liberated, but they dare not administer the law unto us, for fear of the mob.”

The room was not tall enough to allow the men to stand upright, and Alexander McRae, one of the prisoners, said the food was “very coarse, and so filthy that we could not eat it until we were driven to it by hunger.”

Mercy Fielding Thompson, a Church member who visited the brethren in the jail, later wrote: “It would be beyond my power to describe my feelings when we were admitted into the jail by the keeper and the door was locked behind us. We could not help feeling a sense of horror on realizing that we were locked up in that dark and dismal den, fit only for criminals of the deepest dye; but there we beheld Joseph, the Prophet—the man chosen of God, in the dispensation of the fullness of time to hold the keys of His kingdom on the earth, with power to bind and to loose as God should direct—confined in a loathsome prison for no other cause or reason than that he claimed to be inspired of God to establish His church among men.”

Our teacher went on to discuss how the conditions were so awful that even the Prophet, a man who had seen God Himself and Jesus Christ in the flesh would cry out:

“O God! where art Thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth Thy hiding place? How long shall Thy hand be stayed, and Thine eye, yea Thy pure eye, behold from the eternal heavens, the wrongs of Thy people, and of Thy servants, and Thy ear be penetrated with their cries?  

“Yea, O Lord, how long shall they suffer these wrongs and unlawful oppressions, before Thine heart shall be softened towards them, and Thy bowels be moved with compassion towards them?" (Doctrine and Covenants 121:1-3)

At this point, our teacher paused and she said, "Sisters, I know that most of you are very familiar with the story of Liberty Jail and I don't want this to become a history lesson. Instead, I want you to take a minute and think about this question."  She said, "Please don't answer aloud. Just think about it."

Then she asked: "What in your life has been your own personal Liberty Jail?"

For me, this was a very poignant question. I felt tears in my eyes. I didn't even hesitate with my answer. It came to my mind immediately. Without question, my own personal Liberty Jail has been dealing with Sven's illness and depression. It's not Sven. It's the illness. I love Sven. I would also say that this illness is Sven's personal Liberty Jail as well. 

Depression SUCKS. I hate it. There are days when I truly feel imprisoned by it. I know that Sven does, too. In fact, I am certain it is so much worse for him than it is for me. I feel so helpless. I wish I could break him out of prison, you know? There have been long drawn-out prayers with gasping sobs, pleading for God to free him from this trial, pleading for God to tell me how to help him.  There have been moments of deep despair in my life when I have simply told God that I can't do it anymore. I have no more strength to go on. I truly don't see where in my body & soul I am going to find one more ounce of courage to face this.

But I took immense strength from this lesson.  God teaches us a great lesson about adversity through His answers to Joseph Smith:

“… My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; and then if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.” [Doctrine & Covenants 121:7–8.]

Peace.

Peace be unto thy soul.  Thine afflictions shall be but a small moment. I reflect often on those words. Peace be unto thy soul. I have felt that peace, but sometimes I forget. I forget because I get into the middle of an argument with Sven or he refuses help or to talk to me or to get out of bed. I forget the peace. I forget to have faith. I struggle in these times  - immensely. But then God sends me an answer that I wasn't expecting, an answer like I got in Relief Society on a Sunday in a simple lesson about Liberty Jail in 1838. It was a lesson that I didn't think would be all that interesting. To be honest, I didn't think I would come away learning much that I hadn't heard before.  I wasn't very humble, was I?

So now I ask you. You don't have to answer, just think about it. (Though you can comment anonymously if you want to. It really does help me to hear I'm not alone). What in your life has brought you to your knees, begging for help, wondering why you have this trial? Why is God allowing this to happen? What has made you cry out 'How long, O Lord?'

God is there. He is listening. He will help you. I know that to be true. Sometimes it seems as though He has forgotten you. Sometimes you don't feel peace. Sometimes you do. My faith has always tried to be that I know He is there, even if it feels like He's not. I'm still going to talk to Him. I'm still going to cry and tell Him what's going on with me. I'm still going to ask for His help, even when it feels like I don't deserve it or like I'm not getting a response.

I figure that way, I've got my bases covered, right? ;)

(To see pictures of Liberty Jail, click here.  They are copyrighted).

Coping Skill #2

Prayer.

Lots and lots of prayer.

I don't mean to be flippant about this.

Prayer has changed my heart many MANY more times than I can count.

I am, by nature, more than a bit feisty. I don't like to bite my tongue. I don't like to be taken advantage of. I like to have the last word. I'm not proud of these things. One of the blessings of the years of the refiner's fire we've faced is that I've learned very slowly to improve in these areas.

But I'm still not all the way there. There are so many times when I know Robert is in a bad place and he throws out a criticism, a jab, something a little or a lot unfair. The natural woman in me wants to prove he's wrong. Because he often IS wrong, or at least his approach is wrong. Robert's depression often manifests in irritation or anger at small things: a dirty house, grumpy kids, finances. And I want to throw his unfairness back in his face because I feel defensive, misunderstood. And also very angry.

That's when I need prayer the most, not to change HIM (although I ask that, too), but to change me. I ask to see Robert as Heavenly Father sees him, to recognize the wounds that are giving him so much pain. I ask to love him more purely and to truly have charity towards him.

Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't. But I know that over these years, I've become a kinder, more patient person because of my prayers. I'm far from perfect, but I'm learning to love with less attention placed on how fair or unfair life is. I'm learning to love because it's the right thing to do.

Articles for Caregivers

Today I ran across some additional websites/articles for caregivers:

Burden of Care in Families of Patients with Schizophrenia

A Practical Guide to Caring for Caregivers (regarding dementia, mostly)

Knowing How to Accept Support Can Help Overburdened Caregivers

Caring for Someone With Alzheimer's Disease

Bearing the Burden of a Child's Illness (while specific to phyiscal illness, this article does have some insights that can be applied to mental illness as well.)

The Personal and Emotional Stress of Caregiving and Looking After Yourself

Coping Skill #1

So I'm just going to say that mental illness sucks. Dealing with it yourself or living with someone who deals with it...it all sucks. It's exhausting and terrifying. Sometimes it feels like riding a crazy fast roller coaster blindfolded so you're never prepared for the next twist, turn, rise, or drop. You may know something is coming up that will make your stomach hurt, but you don't know when or where it will happen.

That being said, I have learned that there are some things that have helped me deal with the new uncertainties of life. The one I'll share today came to me after a vacation to the beach where we had done a lot of bodysurfing.

And here it is: My wave mindset.

Some days feel like you deal with the little swells that come in the ocean. You just rise and fall with the waves, allowing yourself to move as the wave does. You feel kind of in control, like you can manage what's coming and what has just passed.

And then some days feel like the big crashing waves. When one of these waves come along, you don't try to rise and fall with it or you'll end up with a mouthful of sand and lungfuls of saltwater. Instead, you take a deep breath, duck down, and let the wave crash right over you. If you wait long enough, you can stand back up and brush the water out of your eyes, no worse for wear.

So in my daily dealings with Robert, there are many days when I just float through. Everything is manageable. Any dips in mood can be handled with any number of coping mechanisms: distraction with a walk or TV, sleep, a positive conversation.

And then there are nights like last night when the waves are fierce and strong. Guess what? I forgot my good analogy and fought back, trying to prove a point and make my position strong and firm. And sure enough, I ended up with a mouthful of sand and lungfuls of saltwater. It did not feel good for me, and it felt even worse for Robert. If I could have let the issue die away, then come up for air later, we would have both had more sleep last night and feel better today. There is a time and a place for proving a point, but it is almost never in the middle of a bad depression. That is the time for love, for support, for consistent kindness.

I blew it and I regret it. But next time I'll try to remember. Words are just words, and strong negative emotions don't always have something important behind them. Sometimes they're just emotions that need to be ignored so that they can die away.

How Do You Cope and Care For Yourself as a Caregiver?

I am in the process of putting together a list of things I can do for myself.  I want to come up with some things that a healthy, caring human being would/could do for herself. It can be little things....things like painting my toenails, even though no one is going to see them but me or planting and caring for some beautiful flowers. Those things count.

I just think I need to do some things for me.   Supporting someone who has depression or mental illness is very difficult and draining. (Supporting someone who has physical disabilities or challenges is also taxing at times.)  I want to have some simple things that I can do, things that will make me feel re-charged or just like I focused on something else for a little bit of time.  I hope this doesn't sound like a selfish thing.

Can you comment and give me your ideas? I would be very interested in any you have to share. I will keep working on my list and share it with all of you soon.  Your ideas can benefit others, too, so if you have ideas, share them. Not all ideas suit everyone, because we all have different interests.  That's the beauty of this wonderful world of the internet.  We can share ideas and help each other.  I really hope to hear from you soon.

Thanks!

Myths About Depression Quiz

When it comes to depression, can you separate the facts from myth? 

 Take this quiz.

Addiction & Depression

If you have a loved one who also suffers from addiction, it can contribute to their depression. Please note that I am not suggesting that all depression is the result of or caused by addiction.  I really don't believe that is the case.  But I do believe that someone who suffers from an addiction is at an increased susceptibility to depression or that it can contribute to and/or increase the severity of an already exisiting depression.

Obviously, any type of addiction can be a problem in a marriage or just in a relationship with someone you love.  Alcoholism, pornography, gambling, co-dependency, eating disorders, etc.  In A Guide to Addiction Recovery and Healing, you can find ways to recover or help support someone who is recovering. This is available free of charge in audio/MP3 format or in a PDF document from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  The PDF document is also available in Spanish, Portugese, Chinese, Danish, Dutch, Finnish, French, German, Japanese, Mongolian, Norwegian, Russian, Swedish and Ukranian. You can also find Addiction Recovery Support Groups that are available through the Church.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has also just created a new website for support for those who suffer from addiction to pornography, as well as for spouses, children, church leaders and youth.  The website is  http://www.combatingpornography.org/. 

When My Prayers Seem Unanswered

Last week I found this talk titled: "When My Prayers Seem Unanswered".   It was really uplifting for me and put some things into perspective that I needed to reconsider.  Much of this talk focuses on the beliefs of the members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, though others may enjoy it as well.  It is not specifically about depression or caregiving, but I think that if someone feels their prayers are unanswered, they might be more susceptible to depression or feeling "blue", so that is why I am posting about this.

To save the MP3 for listening on your iPod or MP3 player:
1. Click on the blue "Download" button,  and look for "Audio" under the drop-down menu.
2. Right click on the "Audio" tab.
3. Click "Save Target As" and save it to your computer. (I have a folder on my desktop that is titled "MP3". That way I know where to find them every time.)
4. Copy the file to your MP3 player or your iPod. 

To import to iTunes:
After completing steps 1-3 above, do the following:
1. Open iTunes and click "File" in the upper left-hand corner.
2. From the drop-down menu, select "Add File to Library".
3. Select your MP3 from its saved location on your computer and add it to your iTunes library.
4. Look under "Recently Added" under your Playlists and then you can select it and sync it to your iPod.

Grandpa Fritz and Alzheimer's Disease

Grandpa Fritz was Sven's grandfather. He was a short, lean man with a full head of white hair and piercing blue eyes. He had a sharp wit, a huge heart and pride the size of South America. He lived through the Great Depression and was very tight with his money because of it. He was a very wonderful man.

I first met Grandpa Fritz when I began dating my husband. Sven and I were invited to have Sunday dinner with Grandpa Fritz and Grandma Sonja, which we did for over a year. During this time, Grandpa Fritz loved to tell me stories, specifically, stories from his family history. So, while Sven would take a nap after dinner and Grandma Sonja was busy straightening things up, I would sit at the oak kitchen table and listen to Grandpa Fritz tell me his stories. I was young (and stupid) at the time, and I didn't realize the immense value of these stories. I assumed (foolishly) that the people in my husband's family had heard these stories many times and had preserved them.

When Grandpa Fritz would tell his stories, these details often got mixed up and he would get very frustrated with himself, often clenching his fists and cursing (quietly) when he couldn't remember a name or a detail. I brushed it off as just old age.

Within about a year, I noticed that Grandpa Fritz seemed to be forgetting things more than usual. He was quiet and reserved and if he was trying to tell a story or relate some facts, he would get mixed up. He got very angry and would often get up and go into the garage for a little while, puttering around and mumbling under his breath because he was so frustrated and angry. After just a few years into our marriage, Grandpa Fritz couldn't remember who I was. He knew I was someone he should know, and he was frustrated that he didn't remember. Sven's father, Gustav, was in denial whenever anyone mentioned that Grandpa Fritz's memory was failing. Gustav would reluctantly admit that Fritz had some "minor dementia related to age", but was adamant that Fritz did not have Alzheimer's disease. Sven could see it, but tended to side with his dad, saying that it wasn't that bad, that Grandpa just mixed me up with Sven's sisters and couldn't keep us all straight. Then came the day when Grandpa Fritz no longer recognized Sven. That was a sad, sad day for Sven. He took it very hard and it did affect his battle with depression.

Eventually Grandpa Fritz ended up in a nursing home, and Grandma Sonja moved in with him. Shortly thereafter, he was moved to the Alzheimer's ward of the nursing home. Grandma was given the option to stay in her regular room (at additional cost) but she chose to stay with Grandpa. It took an immense toll on her. It exhausted her to have to repeat herself over and over to him, explaining things that she'd just said minutes before. Being surrounded by Alzheimer's patients all day long and not being able to leave affected her a great deal. Grandpa got to the point where he was mean and said angry, cruel things to her. He was restrained in a wheelchair and would spend hours trying to figure out how to undo the seatbelt.

Eventually, Grandpa Fritz lost his battle to Alzheimer's Disease (there were other health problems, too). Sad as it was for us, I was relieved for Grandpa Fritz, that he was no longer burdened with such a horrible illness. Within a year, Grandma Sonja passed away also. She missed him terribly, even though he was so verbally and emotionally abusive towards her in the advanced stages of his illness.

One of the things I most regret is that I never did take the time to write down Grandpa Fritz's life story and the stories he used to tell me. I found out after he died that nobody else did either. I wish I could tell my kids those stories. I wish I had valued them as much as he did and treasured and preserved them for my own children. Grandpa Fritz was a great man. We miss him. Even when he didn't know who I was, I knew who he was. I remembered who he was before this disease invaded his mind, and I knew he was a tremendous individual, worthy of kindness, love and respect.

To those of you who have a loved one who suffers from dementia or Alzheimer's, my heart goes out to you. The daily battle is exhausting and exasperating. You are to be commended for your tremendous patience and love in the face of such a horrible disease. May God bless you for your loving service and your acts of kindness towards your loved one.