i am going to apolgize now for this being my first entry because i am angry. ivana told me about this site and i could use the opportunity to drop my burden. my name is supermom. i have no idea what to call myself. my husband, i will call him oscar, cuz for the most of the time he is grouchy, has severe depression. somedays i wonder if something else in the mix that i just dont know about but for the most part he is just angry. angry at the world but mostly at me. we have 9 kids. i am a stay at home mom obviously. my baby is almost in school. what makes me mad today is that he tells me that he is not happy with his life, with his job, he has no friends. and he wants to move back home. right now we reside a beautiful part of the country that is green and lush. oscar has had depression for several years now. at first all he did was sleep, a lot. he has gone from one job to another for the past 5yrs. he doesnt feel as if he can work for anyone so we have been running our own business which i have learned to like. he does contract maintenance work that allows him the flexibility to make his own hours and still get a paycheque. this is the first job that he has had for any length of time. we also get assistance from the gov't that is over half of what comes into the house. i know that he is ashamed to get welfare, but he is ill and cant work any more than he already does. he just wants to already be healed.
this morning he told me that he would like to move back home. this floored me cuz we are finally in a spot where we are taking care of ourselves financially. he has a job that fits his personality and his issues, but he wants to dump all that and just move back. of course, i want to move back home too, to be with my family and his, but how would we survive. where would he work. we up and moved away from home almost 3yrs ago, and it was the hardest thing for my kids to endure. to move for no reason, just because, caused my kids to suffer for a long time. now they are comfortable with the ward and with thier friends and with school. i cannot ask them to up and move back without something to go to. and it really bugs me that oscar is wanting to.
one thing you need to know about oscar is that he is the master of manipulation. he is trying to make me feel guilty that i dont want to move back to be near our families. i want some security.

i know that i am not alone, but some days there is no one to call, no one to email that could possibly understand. and that is frustrating.

this is not positive, and i feel bad, when i know that my husband is not a bad guy. just someone that signed up for this and i agreed to be with him.

i will try better next time.