The Silent Rage or Silent Treatment

Ran across a few great articles about Borderline Personailty Disorder and the Silent Treatment. I snagged a few excerpts from the articles, and I can definitely say that every single one of them describes my life. Yay for me.

Quiet or "Acting-In" Borderlines and the Silent Treatment

"There is nothing fair or reasonable, healthy or appropriate about the silent treatment. It is abusive. Even if one needs time or space, one can surely say that and take responsibility for that. For the quiet borderline, the "acting in" borderline, in his or her passive-aggressive style of pulling and manipulating for control, the silent treatment is the ultimate abdication of personal responsibility.

Not only is the quiet borderline abdicating his or her responsibility to respect you, the non borderline, but he or she is also holding you hostage to it while blaming you for it."

The Silent Treatment

"When prisoners are being punished, they are put in isolation, because being isolated is one of the harshest punishments there is - other than physical abuse.

The silent treatment is a form of punishment, a way to attempt to control children and partners into doing what you want them to do. It is a withdrawal of approval, and can cause much fear in people who are vulnerable to this."

The Silent Treatment: When Your Partner Acts As If You Don't Exist

"...perhaps, in your relationship, he ignores you for days, weeks, or months... all of the time barely looking at you, barely speaking to you. If you ask him what is wrong, he ignores you or tells you curtly that everything is 'fine'. But he is jolly, pleasant, even kind to others.. to a waitress, to a coworker, to a child. Yes, he may be playing with your child, talking sweetly to him, while you, Mom, stand nearby and he barely looks at you. If you ask him something, his face is locked into a cold stare. His eyes are cold. There is no love, no affection anywhere in his face."

The Silent Treatment

"Receiving the silent treatment is a sign that emotional abuse is at play in a relationship. There may seem to be an actual reason for the silence, or the abuser might be considered delicate by loved ones. When bad feelings are provoked by the silence to meet the quiet person's needs, this act is still a form of abuse."

Angelic or Evil? Meh..Depends on the Day

I thought things were pretty good. Seemed ok. Getting along for the most part, much better than in a long time.

Lately Sven seems to like me. Things have been ok.....until this morning, when I began to be the focus of yet another silent rage. Ahh, Borderlines and their silent raging.

So.....I'm "evil" again, just in case you were wondering. (I know.. that's what you sit around wondering, lol). It's a cycle, and I'm not to worried about it. I'll be back to angelic soon, just have to endure the focus of the hatred for a little while. I'm getting rather good at it, actually. I'm surprised at how much it DIDN'T affect me this time.

So....Points for that, right?

Little Things You Can Do For Yourself

A while ago, I spent some time in counseling myself, learning to cope with Sven & his erratic behavior and with some of my own issues from my childhood/teenager-hood. (is that a word? lol Probably not)  During counseling, the therapist recommended that I make a list of things I could do for myself. These were to be things that were simply ways I honored myself or pampered myself or took a minute out of my day to do something that was completely, utterly for me.

I was asked to make a list of 20 things. At the time, that was completely overwhelming to me. I was experiencing a bit of my own depression and I was finally dealing with something traumatic that happened to me as a teenager. The therapist even told me, "It can be something as simple as putting lotion on your hands every night."

Still, I felt that coming up with twenty items was asking too much. Twenty? Wow, that just sounded so incredibly selfish. I am the person who put everyone else in front of her for years and years. I was taught that it was selfish to do things for myself, but that you should always be serving others or putting others before yourself. That was, after all, what a selfless, thoughtful, wonderful wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend would do. Right??

It probably took me 4 weeks to come up with 20 items to put on my list, and that was something I was only able to do after I consulted friends and asked for their input. Looking back, I see how simple the exercise really was, but how frozen I was by it.  I remember specifically that one thing I came up with was that I could take time to really care for my skin and wash my face/remove my make-up each night. I splurged on a good moisturizer for my eyes and face. I took about 5 minutes each night to really pamper my skin. Every night as I did that, I told myself that this was simply for me. It had nothing to do with caring for Sven or caring for my children or friends. It was caring about me.

One other thing I started to do was that I would occasionally stop by the cemetery and visit the grave of my grandfather. I sit, all by myself, and think. The cemetery is piercingly quiet, generally speaking. There is a deep reverence there. I never spend long there, but I always come away with more clarity. (My grandfather makes an amazing listener. He never tells me what to do. Tee hee)

The so-called "parable of the oxygen mask" is probably something you've all heard, but I think it bears repeating:

"As I’ve flown, I’ve noted as we commence to take off from the airport, a flight attendant will arise and among other things will say, 'Now, if we lose air pressure in the cabin, an oxygen mask will descend from overhead. If you’re caring for young children or someone with a disability, make sure you put on your own oxygen mask before you try to help others.' Why would the flight attendant say that? Obviously, if you’re unconscious, you can’t help anyone else. So it is with our service to humankind and our service in the Church and in our professions. If we don’t strengthen ourselves, we will never be in a position to strengthen others."   ---Robert F. Orton, “Living a Balanced Life,” Ensign, Feb 2008, 64–68

 Take time for you. Fill your own bucket, because you can't help someone else if you have nothing to give.  If you are in a situation similar to mine, perhaps feeling frozen and unable to move forward, here's my list. Most of them are really simple and inexpensive (or free).   This list was compiled by the input of many friends, and I am including all the ideas, simple as they may be.

• Exercise - run, yoga, pilates, cycling, walking, take a class, swim, etc.

• Run/train for a race.
• Take time to shave your legs & underarms (or face if you're a man)
• Organize a group of friends for a game of basketball, softball, soccer, football, racquetball, etc.

• Spend time in the sauna, steam room, or hot tub at the gym or pool

• Go on a walk with a good friend and talk about anything and everything. The walking will be beneficial to your mood and health as well as the chatter and friendship.
• Get a pedicure or manicure. Do it yourself or trade with a friend if you can't afford a professional service. Simply paint your toenails a fun color if that's all you can do.

• Get a great haircut and/or color. It doesn't have to break the bank.
• Keep a gratitude journal
• Work in your yard or garden or cultivate house plants or herbs.

• Read. Join a Book Club if that inspires you and you enjoy the discussion
• Do something creative that fills your spirit, such as sewing, crochet, pottery, wood working, scuplting, drawing, composing music or poetry, creative writing, blogging, soap making, jewelry making,  photography, photo editing, floral design, quilting, knitting, scrapbooking, painting, and many more

• Cut some flowers from your yard or purchase an inexpensive bunch at the grocery store or local market and put them in a pretty vase on the table

• Take a bath instead of a shower (if that relaxes you more. Personally, I prefer a long, hot shower. Although, seriously... if I had this bathroom?? I'd be all for taking a long bath. This looks incredible!)

• Take up a new hobby
• Play a musical instrument or sing

• Write in a journal
• Keep a notebook filled with inspiring quotes
• Buy yourself a treat at the grocery store and eat it all by yourself on the way home. (Or stash some in a hidden location. My mother-in-law hides them inside tupperware containers in various places in her pantry)

• Color in a coloring book

• Draw
• Get a massage or facial. You can check the local beauty school for discounted offers

• Spend time sitting in the park or on a nature walk
• Sit in a hammock or lie on a towel in your backyard or deck
• Read scriptural text, whatever that is for you

• Sing in a choir at your church or community
• Spend time researching your family history and doing genealogy
• Do a puzzle, play a game, play solitaire on the computer, etc.

• Go to the movies or rent a movie, even if it's all by yourself. (Perhaps especially so)
• Listen to some really great music that inspires and uplifts you
• Remove your eye makeup and take time to cleanse your face.

• Splurge on a good moisturizer.
• Splurge on a really great eye cream moisturizer. (This is one that I did.)
• Put lotion on your legs, hands and feet each night before you go to bed
• Sing in the shower, your car, or at home.
• Go fishing
• Spend time in nature
• Take a hike or walk along a nature trail
• Visit a sanctuary, church, mosque, synagogue, temple, or other house of worship

• Place a beautiful, inspiring photograph, quotation, painting or other artwork somewhere you will see it daily.
• Meditate
• Take a different route to or from work or school. Just for you. 
• Watch a sunset or sunrise

• Get up in the night and gaze at the moon (works well if you're already up with insomnia)
• Take any medications that have been prescribed for you.
• Take a daily vitamin and calcium supplement (if approved by your doctor)
• Wear sunscreen daily
• Buy a really cute/cool-looking pair of sunglasses
• Buy yourself a fun lip gloss. Just. Because.
• Wear lip balm with sunscreen in it.
• Splurge on a fun fragrance for your home
• Wear perfume, cologne, body spray or scented deodorant that you like

• Wear a pretty piece of jewelry
• Drink water. Ideally, try for at least half of your body weight in ounces of water. (For example, if you weigh 150 lbs, you'd drink 75 oz of water per day).  Helps with weight loss and appetite control, too.

• Read a magazine
• Sleep in (even if only occasionally)
• Go to bed early. Try hard to get enough sleep.
• Visit the grave of a loved one, all by yourself. Talk to them.

• Pray
• Light some candles and enjoy the light in the evening. (Be careful and use fire safety!)

• Eat well. Don't skip breakfast or other meals. Feed your body nutritious foods and pass on the junk. (Definitely easier said than done!)
• Wash your car
• Keep your desk, dresser, office, home (etc) neat and orderly

Obviously, not all ideas are going to work for everyone, but surely there's something here that you can choose to do that is simply for the benefit of you. If you have other ideas, please leave them in the comments. I'd love to hear them.

Please Don't Leave Me

I heard this song recently, and I can't believe how much it describes Sven to me. I love Sven. Don't get me wrong. Sven is super sweet sometimes. He can be so tender and loving. And then, in an instant, he can be cruel -  almost heartless - and he knows exactly what to say to cut me to the very core of my being.  It's kind of a Jekyll/Hyde thing. 

I feel that the words to this song describe Borderline Personality Disorder. I think that Pink describes this disorder so well in this song. If you're not a fan of Pink, that's ok. I personally think a lot of her stuff is rather twisted, but maybe that's why it speaks to me. So.... if there ever was a Borderline Personality Disorder theme song..... I think this is it:

The thing I have discovered in my reading about Borderline Personality Disorder is the huge fear of being abandoned. Yet, despite this fear, they won't let anyone close to them, because if they do that person might abandon them. They absolutely crave closeness and intimacy, but they can't handle it when it starts to happen. It's so intense for them that they do something crazy and mean to get you to pull away. It's really quite sad. I have a friend who mentioned that his ex-wife once left this song on his answering machine. She's also a Borderline. He and I have talked at length about how difficult it can be, and yet we get so enmeshed with our partners and have such a difficult time not being codependent on them.

So what lines speak to me, in particular? Most of them, really. It's so dead-on that it stopped me in my tracks and I started to cry.  Sven has never harmed me physically, and I don't think anything like that would ever happen. But emotionally and verbally, it has been an extreme roller coaster for me.

I have tried to keep what I post very positive, and I will try to continue to do so. I really will, but I can't make any promises. I care about Sven and I know that he didn't ask for this disorder. But I didn't ask for it, either, and right now, I could use some support. I am facing some tough questions right now.

So...if you're out there...if you're reading this...I could use your prayers. Whatever it is that you do, I can use it. So.... light a candle, pray, chant, burn incense, meditate, sing, dance, throw starfish at the moon...I don't really care how you do it. Just know I would be ever so grateful for anything.

Video Clip: Mental Illness in Marriage

Dr. Liz Hale represents Utah's strongermarriage.org, a resource for providing education and insight to strengthen marriages.

This video was originally found here.

i am going to apolgize now for this being my first entry because i am angry. ivana told me about this site and i could use the opportunity to drop my burden. my name is supermom. i have no idea what to call myself. my husband, i will call him oscar, cuz for the most of the time he is grouchy, has severe depression. somedays i wonder if something else in the mix that i just dont know about but for the most part he is just angry. angry at the world but mostly at me. we have 9 kids. i am a stay at home mom obviously. my baby is almost in school. what makes me mad today is that he tells me that he is not happy with his life, with his job, he has no friends. and he wants to move back home. right now we reside a beautiful part of the country that is green and lush. oscar has had depression for several years now. at first all he did was sleep, a lot. he has gone from one job to another for the past 5yrs. he doesnt feel as if he can work for anyone so we have been running our own business which i have learned to like. he does contract maintenance work that allows him the flexibility to make his own hours and still get a paycheque. this is the first job that he has had for any length of time. we also get assistance from the gov't that is over half of what comes into the house. i know that he is ashamed to get welfare, but he is ill and cant work any more than he already does. he just wants to already be healed.
this morning he told me that he would like to move back home. this floored me cuz we are finally in a spot where we are taking care of ourselves financially. he has a job that fits his personality and his issues, but he wants to dump all that and just move back. of course, i want to move back home too, to be with my family and his, but how would we survive. where would he work. we up and moved away from home almost 3yrs ago, and it was the hardest thing for my kids to endure. to move for no reason, just because, caused my kids to suffer for a long time. now they are comfortable with the ward and with thier friends and with school. i cannot ask them to up and move back without something to go to. and it really bugs me that oscar is wanting to.
one thing you need to know about oscar is that he is the master of manipulation. he is trying to make me feel guilty that i dont want to move back to be near our families. i want some security.

i know that i am not alone, but some days there is no one to call, no one to email that could possibly understand. and that is frustrating.

this is not positive, and i feel bad, when i know that my husband is not a bad guy. just someone that signed up for this and i agreed to be with him.

i will try better next time.

Oysters

"A pearl is a beautiful thing that is produced by an injured life. It is the tear [that results] from the injury of the oyster. The treasure of our being in this world is also produced by an injured life. If we had not been wounded, if we had not been injured, then we will not produce the pearl."

 - Stephan Hoeller -