When My Prayers Seem Unanswered

Last week I found this talk titled: "When My Prayers Seem Unanswered".   It was really uplifting for me and put some things into perspective that I needed to reconsider.  Much of this talk focuses on the beliefs of the members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, though others may enjoy it as well.  It is not specifically about depression or caregiving, but I think that if someone feels their prayers are unanswered, they might be more susceptible to depression or feeling "blue", so that is why I am posting about this.

To save the MP3 for listening on your iPod or MP3 player:
1. Click on the blue "Download" button,  and look for "Audio" under the drop-down menu.
2. Right click on the "Audio" tab.
3. Click "Save Target As" and save it to your computer. (I have a folder on my desktop that is titled "MP3". That way I know where to find them every time.)
4. Copy the file to your MP3 player or your iPod. 

To import to iTunes:
After completing steps 1-3 above, do the following:
1. Open iTunes and click "File" in the upper left-hand corner.
2. From the drop-down menu, select "Add File to Library".
3. Select your MP3 from its saved location on your computer and add it to your iTunes library.
4. Look under "Recently Added" under your Playlists and then you can select it and sync it to your iPod.

Grandpa Fritz and Alzheimer's Disease

Grandpa Fritz was Sven's grandfather. He was a short, lean man with a full head of white hair and piercing blue eyes. He had a sharp wit, a huge heart and pride the size of South America. He lived through the Great Depression and was very tight with his money because of it. He was a very wonderful man.

I first met Grandpa Fritz when I began dating my husband. Sven and I were invited to have Sunday dinner with Grandpa Fritz and Grandma Sonja, which we did for over a year. During this time, Grandpa Fritz loved to tell me stories, specifically, stories from his family history. So, while Sven would take a nap after dinner and Grandma Sonja was busy straightening things up, I would sit at the oak kitchen table and listen to Grandpa Fritz tell me his stories. I was young (and stupid) at the time, and I didn't realize the immense value of these stories. I assumed (foolishly) that the people in my husband's family had heard these stories many times and had preserved them.

When Grandpa Fritz would tell his stories, these details often got mixed up and he would get very frustrated with himself, often clenching his fists and cursing (quietly) when he couldn't remember a name or a detail. I brushed it off as just old age.

Within about a year, I noticed that Grandpa Fritz seemed to be forgetting things more than usual. He was quiet and reserved and if he was trying to tell a story or relate some facts, he would get mixed up. He got very angry and would often get up and go into the garage for a little while, puttering around and mumbling under his breath because he was so frustrated and angry. After just a few years into our marriage, Grandpa Fritz couldn't remember who I was. He knew I was someone he should know, and he was frustrated that he didn't remember. Sven's father, Gustav, was in denial whenever anyone mentioned that Grandpa Fritz's memory was failing. Gustav would reluctantly admit that Fritz had some "minor dementia related to age", but was adamant that Fritz did not have Alzheimer's disease. Sven could see it, but tended to side with his dad, saying that it wasn't that bad, that Grandpa just mixed me up with Sven's sisters and couldn't keep us all straight. Then came the day when Grandpa Fritz no longer recognized Sven. That was a sad, sad day for Sven. He took it very hard and it did affect his battle with depression.

Eventually Grandpa Fritz ended up in a nursing home, and Grandma Sonja moved in with him. Shortly thereafter, he was moved to the Alzheimer's ward of the nursing home. Grandma was given the option to stay in her regular room (at additional cost) but she chose to stay with Grandpa. It took an immense toll on her. It exhausted her to have to repeat herself over and over to him, explaining things that she'd just said minutes before. Being surrounded by Alzheimer's patients all day long and not being able to leave affected her a great deal. Grandpa got to the point where he was mean and said angry, cruel things to her. He was restrained in a wheelchair and would spend hours trying to figure out how to undo the seatbelt.

Eventually, Grandpa Fritz lost his battle to Alzheimer's Disease (there were other health problems, too). Sad as it was for us, I was relieved for Grandpa Fritz, that he was no longer burdened with such a horrible illness. Within a year, Grandma Sonja passed away also. She missed him terribly, even though he was so verbally and emotionally abusive towards her in the advanced stages of his illness.

One of the things I most regret is that I never did take the time to write down Grandpa Fritz's life story and the stories he used to tell me. I found out after he died that nobody else did either. I wish I could tell my kids those stories. I wish I had valued them as much as he did and treasured and preserved them for my own children. Grandpa Fritz was a great man. We miss him. Even when he didn't know who I was, I knew who he was. I remembered who he was before this disease invaded his mind, and I knew he was a tremendous individual, worthy of kindness, love and respect.

To those of you who have a loved one who suffers from dementia or Alzheimer's, my heart goes out to you. The daily battle is exhausting and exasperating. You are to be commended for your tremendous patience and love in the face of such a horrible disease. May God bless you for your loving service and your acts of kindness towards your loved one.

Podcasts on Depression- Help for Family Members

Families for Depression Awareness has created free podcasts about caring for a depressed person. These podcasts are available via iTunes.

Click "View in iTunes" and you will be directed to the podcasts. You can listen to them on your computer, even if you don't have an iPod.  To download them to your iTunes account, click "FREE" under the Price Column on the right hand side. They will begin downloading automatically.

Podcast Description


The Depression in the Family Podcast is for family members or friends of someone with depression or bipolar disorder. In each episode, you’ll learn about common depression and bipolar symptoms. You’ll feel supported as the featured guests, an expert and family member with a personal perspective on the episode’s topic, examine the family member’s role as an advocate for getting help for loved ones. They share common struggles among caregivers such as finding clinicians, paying for treatment, and caregiver burnout.

Current podcasts include the following titles:

1. 
   
   Caring for a Depressed Elderly Parent
2. 
   
   Family History
3. 
   
   How to Find and Pay for Treatment
4. 
   
   Family Communications
5. 
   
   Caregiver Burnout
6. 
   
   Helping a Family Member Receive Treatment
7. 
   
   Diagnosis and Treatment
8. 
   
   Signs of Depressive Disorders

If you don't want to use iTunes to listen, you can also listen on your computer by visiting the Families for Depression Awareness website.

Caregiver Depression

As you live day-to-day with a depressed person, you can get burned out, especially if their needs are severe, time consuming or demanding on you.  I ran across an article today that talks about caregiver depression. (The link for the full article is at the end of this post).  If you are experiencing signs of caregiver depression, please seek help through counseling or contacting a medical professional. Let your friends and family know that you need help.

Warning Signs of Caregiver Depression:

• Harmful behavior toward the care recipient. (If this happens even once the caregiver should seek help for him or herself immediately.)
• Unrelenting feelings of sadness or doom.
• Feeling like your life is being stolen from you.
• Crying frequently.
• Being easily angered by, and constantly annoyed at the care recipient.
• Sudden change in eating habits resulting in unwanted weight gain or loss.
• Change in sleeping: inability to fall or stay asleep, or, wanting to stay in bed and sleeping too much.
• Lack of desire to do anything.
• Loss of interest in people and pleasurable activities.
• Feeling worthless and guilty.
• Feeling like nothing you do is good enough.
• Thoughts of death or suicide. (Seek help immediately.)
• Chronic physical symptoms: headache, back pain, etc.
• Panic attacks or continual anxiety.
• Feeling completely overwhelmed with worry about how you will manage.

To read the full article, click Signs of Caregiver Burnout: How Family Members Can Recognize Their Own Depression

Remember to take time for you!!

Helping Someone Who Is Depressed

Life can be very difficult on a day-to-day basis when someone you love is depressed. People who suffer from depression can be very frustrating. In my experience, they can't seem to put their finger on what they want from you. They can't seem to pin-point what it is that might be able to help them.  So, I try. I have tried different things with Sven, and sometimes they work, but other times they don't. I often find myself at my wit's end, wondering if I am just spinning my wheels or why nothing can please him.

Because each person is a unique individual, they each exhibit their symptoms of depression differently.  They may withdraw, lash out, say things that are upsetting, cut or hurt themselves, withhold love or affection, belittle themselves or others....the list could go on and on.  Sven tends to do all of the above. I am sure that you could each tell me stories of what your loved one does, and I am interested, so I do hope you will share.

So what can you do when your loved one is depressed and you want to help?

Tips for helping someone who is depressed:

1)  Try to understand their point of view.  This is extremely difficult for me. I really haven't suffered from depression, except for a brief few months, and it was based on a horrible situation that happened.  I haven't experienced long-term depression. It's hard for me to comprehend that Sven doesn't see the beauty around him, or find joy in the things our children do.  I find it difficult to understand that he really has no energy to get out of bed and no desire to accomplish anything. I have had to pray a lot for understanding and compassion. I know that the Lord is there, and that He understands Sven's burden. I also know that He understands my burden and can help me and guide me to know what I can do to ease Sven's pain, without doing everything for him.

2) Take time for yourself. This is really important. For the first 8-10 years of my marriage, I was not good at doing this. I did not feel that I should be indulgent in something I enjoyed when he was so down all the time.

After much prayer and support from a few close friends, I began running.  I returned so refreshed and energized when I exercised, that I began to make it a high priority. Sven resisted. Oh boy, did he ever. He was very frustrated that I was leaving him with our children to take an hour or so to exercise. He told me I was selfish. He cried and said that I was "trying to run away" from my family and "abandon" him.He felt that if he wasn't depressed, I wouldn't need to "escape" from him.  It was difficult to set a boundary with him and explain to him how much I need this time for me. I'm not trying to abandon him. It's that I really enjoy taking time to do something that is just for me. 

Obviously, if you hate running, this isn't for you. But think about your hobbies and what you enjoy. What can you do (or are you currently doing) that is just for you? It will recharge your batteries and help keep your own feelings of depression at bay.

3) Become educated on depression and/or mental illness (if appropriate).  Read! Read blogs, websites, books. Listen to MP3's or podcasts. Do whatever you can to learn about the illness/depression that your loved one deals with every day.

4) Listen & just be there. Let them cry. Let them tell you how they feel. Be supportive and don't try to fix their problems. Just listen. I have found that when I suggested things, Sven would sometimes try them, but they didn't seem to work as well as if *he* came up with the solution or idea to try. Gentle suggestions are definitely ok, but see if you can get him/her to think of ways to solve his/her own problem. The best thing we can do for others is to allow them to do things for themselves.  They will gain a sense of accomplishment by doing so.

5) Don't take it personally. This is incredibly difficult for me. Do whatever you can to remind yourself that it is not your fault. Their depression is not because of you. If they are lashing out at you, just remember that it's probably because they feel safe with you and because you simply happen to be there. Most likely they are angry at themselves and frustrated with how they feel. They need to vent and release some of their bottled-up feelings and stress. Do your best to walk away in these situations. Don't engage. Under no circumstances should you put up with abuse of any kind. If your loved one is becoming abusive, please seek help.  Emotional and mental abuse can be just as devastating as other types. 

6) See a counselor or therapist or other professional.  As mentioned under #5, abuse can take a toll on you. If your loved one is emotionally and mentally abusive to you, seek counseling for you. If you can get him/her to go also, that's great.  Sven won't go to counseling. He did for a while. We tried marriage counseling, but he eventually became so angry with the process that he refused to go back. I continued to go, however. The counselor gave me suggestions and tools that I can use to help Sven, but also to help me to feel strong and confident in my own abilities.

If you are LDS, start with your bishop. Talk to him and ask him to refer you to someone at LDS Family Services, if he feels that is right for you. If you can't afford counseling, talk to your bishop about that. Many bishops are willing to help with the cost in these situations.

7) It's ok to feel angry, mad, depressed, hurt, frustrated, annoyed, etc........ Allow yourself to feel whatever it is you are feeling. It's ok. Find a trusted friend that you can go to for support or come here and vent your story. Drop your burden. That's the point of this site. Vent. Email me and vent it out. I am anonymous to you. I won't judge you. I have felt all of those feelings, and probably many others that you also feel. Get it out. Send it "out" of your house, and drop your burden. I'll respond, I promise.

8) Medications. If a medical professional feels medications are indicated for your loved one, then encourage them to take their dosage. Pick up their prescription for them. Set up automatic refills. Don't let them run out. Help them by setting up their daily pills in a weekly pill box, if they are overwhelmed by keeping track of it all.

9) Offer hope.  Offer hope in any way you can. Point out the things you see that are good or positive. Encourage their love for a certain hobby, their enjoyment in spending time with their children, their love of God -- whatever it is that is specific to them. You want to encourage anything that makes them want to go on living. If you feel that thoughts of suicide are prevalent or they begin to talk about having no reason to live or having suicidal thoughts or plans, please seek help immediately.

11) Pray.  We cannot understand the depth of their pain and sadness, but we can do our best to help and show love and compassion. Ask God for help. Ask Him to expand the love and patience in your heart so that you can bear this burden.  He will help you. I just know it.

10) Try to separate the illness from the person. Remind yourself as often as possible that they are ill. They are suffering from a true illness, and need your love and support. Do whatever you can to show you love them and want them to try to get better.

Supporting Someone Through Postpartum Depression

For those of you who have dealt with a wife who suffers from postpartum depression, here is an article that may help you to understand her perspective.  

 “Managing Postpartum Depression: A Gospel Perspective” ,by Lynn Clark Callister. 

If you have insights or ideas that might benefit others, please comment and share them or email them to me and I will post them under your chosen pen name. I was fortunate to not suffer from postpartum depression after giving birth, but I do have a dear friend who always does. It is very difficult for her to face day-to-day tasks.  Perhaps this article can shed some insight on what your wife/sister/daughter is experiencing.

About Ivana

I am married to a man I'll call Sven. You can read more about Sven's Story here. Sven has suffered from fairly deep depression for as long as I have known him and as long as he can remember. He has threatened suicide several times, but never followed through on any of his plans. He is in denial about the severity of his depression and refuses counseling/therapy as well as medication. It's a tough road.

We have 4 children whom I will refer to as: Hans, Annelise, Greta, and Lisbeth.

We are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I believe that depression and mental illness are real, just as heart disease, high blood pressure, thyroid disease and other physical ailments are. Through this blog, I hope to increase my understanding of depression and find ways to cope and heal and find support through establishing connections with others who can shed insight from their own experiences.

A few of my interests include gardening, music, and running. I serve in several positions in my LDS ward that I find challenging and time consuming, but they are a great outlet for me and I enjoy them all. (A ward is much like a parish, for those of you who are not LDS).

Being a Caregiver

Being a caregiver can be exhausting. Whether you are caring for someone who has a physical ailment/illness or someone who has a mental illness or depression, it takes a toll on *you*. I am certain that you could all share stories of how being a caregiver has affected you. I am very interested in them & hope you will comment.

What do you do to combat your own depression?

How has living with a loved one who suffers from depression and/or mental illness affected your life?

Thanks!!

Unemployment and Sven

In 1999, Sven lost his job. He was working in a Y2K position at the time, and the company downsized several positions.  This loss affected him deeply. He went into a deep depression. There were many days where he didn't shower or get dressed. He would spend hours on end watching television or playing video games. It was a very difficult time in our marriage, and we nearly divorced over it. He was unemployed for nearly 18 months.

In late 2008, Sven lost his job due to the economic downturn here in the United States.

His position simply disappeared as company cutbacks were made.  This job loss was extremely hard on Sven. He had been with this company since being hired following the Y2K position, and he felt that they were not treating him as a loyal employee who had been with them for a long time. He was angry and bitter and withdrew from me.

He applied over and over for jobs within the same company. He did apply with other companies, but he seemed to be fixated on getting re-hired with his previous employer. During this time, he withdrew from me and went into a deeper depression, much like the one I recall from 1999. Marital problems grew exponentially during this time.  His addiction to pornography became a huge problem in our marriage and we are still suffering the affects of some of the things that happened during this period.

Unemployment was scary place to be, because I was scared for us financially, but I couldn't rely on my husband to calm my fears and help me through this. I had to rely on the Lord. Scriptures and time at the temple became critical for me and for my emotional well-being. I began running during this time, and I found that it was a huge help to me to spend time alone and to be getting some exercise to physically release some of my stress.

He was out of work for 8 months, and was eventually re-hired with the same company.  However, he took a severe paycut of about 30% less than he was previously making.  But, we had insurance now and no longer had to make COBRA payments, which had been extremely difficult for us to do. 

I am grateful that Sven was able to find employment. I find myself thinking that I am ungrateful because there are still others who are out of work. I find myself thinking that I need to count my blessings. I also find myself thinking that this is incredibly difficult and wondering why God would give me this trial. Clearly, I don't understand His ways, but I am certain that I am supposed to learn something by living through this.

To read more of Sven's Story, click here.

Depression Overview Slideshow

This link is from WebMD. It is an interesting slide show showing brain scans and explaining the symptoms of depression. It was complied by the Mayo Clinic.


To view the slide show, click Depression Overview Slideshow.

Welcome!

Welcome! I created this site because I have often wished there was a place where I could connect with others regarding the struggles, trials and triumphs that accompany being a caregiver for someone who suffers from depression or mental illness.

This site is going to have as much anonymity as possible. For that reason, I have changed the names of all those in my family/friends. You may comment under your real name, a fake name, or you may comment anonymously. I just hope that you will comment and share your thoughts, because it will benefit me as well.

I hope that this will be a place where you will find support, love, and strength as you continue your daily efforts of support for your loved one. I hope it will lift your spirit and give you energy & comfort.  I do not profess to be an expert on depression, and I hope to gain better understanding from all of you as you also share your experiences with me. Because my religion is a huge part of my life and is extremely important to me, you will find that much of what you read here is Christian based, though I do hope you will feel welcome to follow the site even if you do not share my beliefs.

Please feel free to email me regarding topics you are interested in. If you would like to be a contributor to this blog, I would be thrilled to have you join. Please send me an email to ivanacookieplease [at] yahoo [dot] com. (The address is written that way to reduce spam).

I hope you will find this blog to be a place where you can "Drop Your Burden", at least for a little while, as you gain support in knowing that you are not alone and others understand what you are going through.