Helping Someone Who Is Depressed

Life can be very difficult on a day-to-day basis when someone you love is depressed. People who suffer from depression can be very frustrating. In my experience, they can't seem to put their finger on what they want from you. They can't seem to pin-point what it is that might be able to help them.  So, I try. I have tried different things with Sven, and sometimes they work, but other times they don't. I often find myself at my wit's end, wondering if I am just spinning my wheels or why nothing can please him.

Because each person is a unique individual, they each exhibit their symptoms of depression differently.  They may withdraw, lash out, say things that are upsetting, cut or hurt themselves, withhold love or affection, belittle themselves or others....the list could go on and on.  Sven tends to do all of the above. I am sure that you could each tell me stories of what your loved one does, and I am interested, so I do hope you will share.

So what can you do when your loved one is depressed and you want to help?

Tips for helping someone who is depressed:

1)  Try to understand their point of view.  This is extremely difficult for me. I really haven't suffered from depression, except for a brief few months, and it was based on a horrible situation that happened.  I haven't experienced long-term depression. It's hard for me to comprehend that Sven doesn't see the beauty around him, or find joy in the things our children do.  I find it difficult to understand that he really has no energy to get out of bed and no desire to accomplish anything. I have had to pray a lot for understanding and compassion. I know that the Lord is there, and that He understands Sven's burden. I also know that He understands my burden and can help me and guide me to know what I can do to ease Sven's pain, without doing everything for him.

2) Take time for yourself. This is really important. For the first 8-10 years of my marriage, I was not good at doing this. I did not feel that I should be indulgent in something I enjoyed when he was so down all the time.

After much prayer and support from a few close friends, I began running.  I returned so refreshed and energized when I exercised, that I began to make it a high priority. Sven resisted. Oh boy, did he ever. He was very frustrated that I was leaving him with our children to take an hour or so to exercise. He told me I was selfish. He cried and said that I was "trying to run away" from my family and "abandon" him.He felt that if he wasn't depressed, I wouldn't need to "escape" from him.  It was difficult to set a boundary with him and explain to him how much I need this time for me. I'm not trying to abandon him. It's that I really enjoy taking time to do something that is just for me. 

Obviously, if you hate running, this isn't for you. But think about your hobbies and what you enjoy. What can you do (or are you currently doing) that is just for you? It will recharge your batteries and help keep your own feelings of depression at bay.

3) Become educated on depression and/or mental illness (if appropriate).  Read! Read blogs, websites, books. Listen to MP3's or podcasts. Do whatever you can to learn about the illness/depression that your loved one deals with every day.

4) Listen & just be there. Let them cry. Let them tell you how they feel. Be supportive and don't try to fix their problems. Just listen. I have found that when I suggested things, Sven would sometimes try them, but they didn't seem to work as well as if *he* came up with the solution or idea to try. Gentle suggestions are definitely ok, but see if you can get him/her to think of ways to solve his/her own problem. The best thing we can do for others is to allow them to do things for themselves.  They will gain a sense of accomplishment by doing so.

5) Don't take it personally. This is incredibly difficult for me. Do whatever you can to remind yourself that it is not your fault. Their depression is not because of you. If they are lashing out at you, just remember that it's probably because they feel safe with you and because you simply happen to be there. Most likely they are angry at themselves and frustrated with how they feel. They need to vent and release some of their bottled-up feelings and stress. Do your best to walk away in these situations. Don't engage. Under no circumstances should you put up with abuse of any kind. If your loved one is becoming abusive, please seek help.  Emotional and mental abuse can be just as devastating as other types. 

6) See a counselor or therapist or other professional.  As mentioned under #5, abuse can take a toll on you. If your loved one is emotionally and mentally abusive to you, seek counseling for you. If you can get him/her to go also, that's great.  Sven won't go to counseling. He did for a while. We tried marriage counseling, but he eventually became so angry with the process that he refused to go back. I continued to go, however. The counselor gave me suggestions and tools that I can use to help Sven, but also to help me to feel strong and confident in my own abilities.

If you are LDS, start with your bishop. Talk to him and ask him to refer you to someone at LDS Family Services, if he feels that is right for you. If you can't afford counseling, talk to your bishop about that. Many bishops are willing to help with the cost in these situations.

7) It's ok to feel angry, mad, depressed, hurt, frustrated, annoyed, etc........ Allow yourself to feel whatever it is you are feeling. It's ok. Find a trusted friend that you can go to for support or come here and vent your story. Drop your burden. That's the point of this site. Vent. Email me and vent it out. I am anonymous to you. I won't judge you. I have felt all of those feelings, and probably many others that you also feel. Get it out. Send it "out" of your house, and drop your burden. I'll respond, I promise.

8) Medications. If a medical professional feels medications are indicated for your loved one, then encourage them to take their dosage. Pick up their prescription for them. Set up automatic refills. Don't let them run out. Help them by setting up their daily pills in a weekly pill box, if they are overwhelmed by keeping track of it all.

9) Offer hope.  Offer hope in any way you can. Point out the things you see that are good or positive. Encourage their love for a certain hobby, their enjoyment in spending time with their children, their love of God -- whatever it is that is specific to them. You want to encourage anything that makes them want to go on living. If you feel that thoughts of suicide are prevalent or they begin to talk about having no reason to live or having suicidal thoughts or plans, please seek help immediately.

11) Pray.  We cannot understand the depth of their pain and sadness, but we can do our best to help and show love and compassion. Ask God for help. Ask Him to expand the love and patience in your heart so that you can bear this burden.  He will help you. I just know it.

10) Try to separate the illness from the person. Remind yourself as often as possible that they are ill. They are suffering from a true illness, and need your love and support. Do whatever you can to show you love them and want them to try to get better.