Realization

Sven and I were lying on our bed the other night and he actually was snuggling me while he was falling asleep. (The reason that's odd is because Sven doesn't like to be touched while he's sleeping.)  He was spooned up against my back and had his arm around my waist. Things have been really rough between me and Sven for a long time, and this was, well, a delightful suprise to me. I was thrilled at how good things felt between us. He was sleeping and I didn't want to move. It just felt so good to have him hold me like that and I felt safe. I felt peaceful. I felt whole, for the first time in a very, very long time.  

As I was drifting off to sleep, I remember thinking, "Wow, we did it. We're finally doing better. It's almost like I can't tell where his feet are and where my feet are...we feel like we just belong this way....." and I was jolted awake by him involuntarily poking me in the ribs with his fingers.... HARD. I was so startled awake that I said, "What!? What?" loudly enough that it woke him. He sleepily mumbled sorry and went right back to sleep. How bizarre, I thought, and I settled back into my sleepy, wonderful moment, peacefully enjoying how good it felt to have my husband hold me....until he started jerking his arm across my body...again, kind of hard. "SVEN, WHAT!?" I asked him.

He made some incoherent noises and grunted a little and went back to sleep. (The truth is, I don't know that he ever really was fully awake, lol).  It happened one more time shortly after that, where he was again pushing down hard on my ribs with his fingers repeatedly.

I lay there for a while wondering why he was doing this. I slowly pulled away from him a little and he stopped doing it. He kept his arm around me, but that didn't happen again, and we actually fell asleep that way, which I truly believe is a first for us. (Yes, I know, some people will think that's crazy). 

As I reflected on those events, the parallel that came into my mind the following morning was very clear. As I took the time to think about it, I settled on this and it just made so much sense to me.

It boils down to this: No matter how hard he tries not to, Sven will always "poke me in the ribs". It's just who he is.  It's part of the Borderline Personality Disorder that I believe he has. He wants intimacy. He wants to be close to me, but he's so afraid of that deep intimacy that he will create distractions or drama to poke me in the ribs and keep a bit of distance. It is very likely that I will never experience the deep, emotional bonding or connection that I crave in my marriage. The trick for me is still enjoying the bliss that I get with him when he's not poking me. It's difficult. It's hard to not be angry when things are going so well and he seems to create some needless drama or fight because he feels the need to protect himself.  Perhaps God was trying to help me understand Sven better. Perhaps I needed to have this experience so that I can later reflect on it and not get so upset, but rather remind myself that he's involuntarily poking me in the ribs in his sleep. It's like auto-pilot. He doesn't even realize he's doing it.

I love Sven. I really do. Realizing that I may never have the depth of intimacy that I desire is difficult for me, and I think I need to mourn or grieve over some of the things that Sven may never be able to give me. It doesn't make Sven a bad person. It just means I need to find a way to accept that I am asking for something he cannot provide and perhaps let go of that desire. I just have to pull away from him a little now and then so that he'll stop poking me.

The point is, Sven loves me. He really, really does. He just has a very hard time showing it sometimes. And I am learning that that is ok. I am number one in his heart, and that makes me a very lucky person. :)