Video Clip: Mental Illness in Marriage

Dr. Liz Hale represents Utah's strongermarriage.org, a resource for providing education and insight to strengthen marriages.

This video was originally found here.

i am going to apolgize now for this being my first entry because i am angry. ivana told me about this site and i could use the opportunity to drop my burden. my name is supermom. i have no idea what to call myself. my husband, i will call him oscar, cuz for the most of the time he is grouchy, has severe depression. somedays i wonder if something else in the mix that i just dont know about but for the most part he is just angry. angry at the world but mostly at me. we have 9 kids. i am a stay at home mom obviously. my baby is almost in school. what makes me mad today is that he tells me that he is not happy with his life, with his job, he has no friends. and he wants to move back home. right now we reside a beautiful part of the country that is green and lush. oscar has had depression for several years now. at first all he did was sleep, a lot. he has gone from one job to another for the past 5yrs. he doesnt feel as if he can work for anyone so we have been running our own business which i have learned to like. he does contract maintenance work that allows him the flexibility to make his own hours and still get a paycheque. this is the first job that he has had for any length of time. we also get assistance from the gov't that is over half of what comes into the house. i know that he is ashamed to get welfare, but he is ill and cant work any more than he already does. he just wants to already be healed.
this morning he told me that he would like to move back home. this floored me cuz we are finally in a spot where we are taking care of ourselves financially. he has a job that fits his personality and his issues, but he wants to dump all that and just move back. of course, i want to move back home too, to be with my family and his, but how would we survive. where would he work. we up and moved away from home almost 3yrs ago, and it was the hardest thing for my kids to endure. to move for no reason, just because, caused my kids to suffer for a long time. now they are comfortable with the ward and with thier friends and with school. i cannot ask them to up and move back without something to go to. and it really bugs me that oscar is wanting to.
one thing you need to know about oscar is that he is the master of manipulation. he is trying to make me feel guilty that i dont want to move back to be near our families. i want some security.

i know that i am not alone, but some days there is no one to call, no one to email that could possibly understand. and that is frustrating.

this is not positive, and i feel bad, when i know that my husband is not a bad guy. just someone that signed up for this and i agreed to be with him.

i will try better next time.

Oysters

"A pearl is a beautiful thing that is produced by an injured life. It is the tear [that results] from the injury of the oyster. The treasure of our being in this world is also produced by an injured life. If we had not been wounded, if we had not been injured, then we will not produce the pearl."

 - Stephan Hoeller -

Tears

Sven has been mean and angry all week. Withdrawn. Cold. Sarcastic and cutting.

Sven and Ivana had a huge fight that lasted for several days. Ivana was very, very sad and frustrated.

Sven finally admitted that he went off his meds. :(  He agreed to start taking them again.

Ivana cried. A LOT.

Ivana will try to post something more uplifting next time. Sorry. :(

Stained Glass Windows

"People are like stained glass windows. They sparkle when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only by the light from within."

~ Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Good Things to Come

No matter what your religious beliefs are, this video has a good message about trusting God.



For some reason I can't get the video to fit exactly here on the blog, so if you want, you can also click here to view it:
Good Things to Come

Don't give up. Don't quit. No matter what, keep your faith strong in what you believe in.

Realization

Sven and I were lying on our bed the other night and he actually was snuggling me while he was falling asleep. (The reason that's odd is because Sven doesn't like to be touched while he's sleeping.)  He was spooned up against my back and had his arm around my waist. Things have been really rough between me and Sven for a long time, and this was, well, a delightful suprise to me. I was thrilled at how good things felt between us. He was sleeping and I didn't want to move. It just felt so good to have him hold me like that and I felt safe. I felt peaceful. I felt whole, for the first time in a very, very long time.  

As I was drifting off to sleep, I remember thinking, "Wow, we did it. We're finally doing better. It's almost like I can't tell where his feet are and where my feet are...we feel like we just belong this way....." and I was jolted awake by him involuntarily poking me in the ribs with his fingers.... HARD. I was so startled awake that I said, "What!? What?" loudly enough that it woke him. He sleepily mumbled sorry and went right back to sleep. How bizarre, I thought, and I settled back into my sleepy, wonderful moment, peacefully enjoying how good it felt to have my husband hold me....until he started jerking his arm across my body...again, kind of hard. "SVEN, WHAT!?" I asked him.

He made some incoherent noises and grunted a little and went back to sleep. (The truth is, I don't know that he ever really was fully awake, lol).  It happened one more time shortly after that, where he was again pushing down hard on my ribs with his fingers repeatedly.

I lay there for a while wondering why he was doing this. I slowly pulled away from him a little and he stopped doing it. He kept his arm around me, but that didn't happen again, and we actually fell asleep that way, which I truly believe is a first for us. (Yes, I know, some people will think that's crazy). 

As I reflected on those events, the parallel that came into my mind the following morning was very clear. As I took the time to think about it, I settled on this and it just made so much sense to me.

It boils down to this: No matter how hard he tries not to, Sven will always "poke me in the ribs". It's just who he is.  It's part of the Borderline Personality Disorder that I believe he has. He wants intimacy. He wants to be close to me, but he's so afraid of that deep intimacy that he will create distractions or drama to poke me in the ribs and keep a bit of distance. It is very likely that I will never experience the deep, emotional bonding or connection that I crave in my marriage. The trick for me is still enjoying the bliss that I get with him when he's not poking me. It's difficult. It's hard to not be angry when things are going so well and he seems to create some needless drama or fight because he feels the need to protect himself.  Perhaps God was trying to help me understand Sven better. Perhaps I needed to have this experience so that I can later reflect on it and not get so upset, but rather remind myself that he's involuntarily poking me in the ribs in his sleep. It's like auto-pilot. He doesn't even realize he's doing it.

I love Sven. I really do. Realizing that I may never have the depth of intimacy that I desire is difficult for me, and I think I need to mourn or grieve over some of the things that Sven may never be able to give me. It doesn't make Sven a bad person. It just means I need to find a way to accept that I am asking for something he cannot provide and perhaps let go of that desire. I just have to pull away from him a little now and then so that he'll stop poking me.

The point is, Sven loves me. He really, really does. He just has a very hard time showing it sometimes. And I am learning that that is ok. I am number one in his heart, and that makes me a very lucky person. :)